Faith or Folly

     "Walk by faith and not by sight..." is one of the most profound verses in the Bible.  It is also one of the more difficult ones to live by.  It is what I have longed to do all my life.  I think that before I get rolling I should probably give a definitive definition--if anything can be definitive. I think the most profound definition of faith--as I apply it is probably is outlined in Hebrews 11: 1: 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..."

     How much faith does the average person have?  Is "average faith" enough to get you through life?  What happens when your AVERAGE FAITH is tested?  How do you know the difference between stepping out on faith and the folly of a fool?

    I have been asking myself all of these things over the last few months.  I have a profound belief in a higher power and my reasoning is simple:  all the good in life I have experienced could not have been generated completely by me.  The reverse is also true:  there have been too many instances of rough times that I have gotten through solely because of people put in my path.  I think that faith by its very nature is built to be tested.  The reality is that having it tested is the only way to know if you have it and how it will hold up. For my part, I have every reason to have faith but I waiver during the test part.  When I started this piece it was going to be about how people are able to make decisions that seem shocking to others but are OK with them and where the line between faith and foolishness my lay.  As I have experienced sending my child off to college, I have a defferent feeling about the whole thing--a personal awakening if you will.

    For my first question, I think that faith increases with each blessing or bit of grace that a person allows in their life.  In the end, we take a role in determining whether we receive the blessing or not.  I worry a lot.  My mother will say that it's because I don't pray enough.  At this point and upon further observation, she may in fact be right.  I need to pray more, harder and better and I am working on that.

    For how much faith you need to get through your life, I've come to believe that this may be taken care of for us.  Every person of faith and with faith will find when they have needed to step out on it, it was there.  Myself included.    My faith can be weak but I have concluded that no matter how weak your faith it is always strong enough to stand on.

    For the difference between faith and folly--it doesn't really seem to matter.  The only thing that will allow you a moment of folly is planting your feet in faith.  The reality is that no folly is such if it is done in act of faith.  So while it may look foolish to the outside world, all one has to do is believe.  I have opportunities to step out on faith.  Some realized and some squandered.  There have been times when faith stepped in on me. 

    At the end of the day, it matters very little how your faith is dissected.  It only matters if you are strong enough to stand on it because it is strong enough to hold you--no matter what you think.  Step lively and get it done.

Standing on the Promises

     I am very fortunate.  I have a life that is worse than some but I suspect better than most.  I can claim two high school graduates and their very bright younger brother.  Some parents, single or not, can't claim the same.  I was lamenting about the thought of books and tuition and one of the docs I worked with reminded me that I could be figuring out how to raise bail and pay restitution.  Sounded like he knew a little something about it but I didn't probe.

    As fortunate as I am, I cope with the same woes as other parents do.  A non-paying ex, more obligations than cash and the neverending stream of sentences that begin with;  "Mommy I need...", "Can I have...", "Will you buy me.." and my personal favorite "Did you get paid this week?"  I am pretty good at balancing but when I am short I am angry.  Why am I hustling and thinking about how to get paper and pay bills and he's off somewhere out of the fray? For his part, he has been blunt.  " 'You will figure it out, you always do.' "  " 'Get your family to help out, they usually do.' " Honest answer--because I allowed it. I suspect, continuing in honesty, that this is really the part that pisses me off. For far too long, I managed to get things done with help from family. I have also developed such a set of skills that have proved highly helpful in my day to day work life.    The reality is that by not holding feet to the fire, and managing without the consistent financial support of their other parent, I've taught him to believe that he is bonus money.  The reality is that he has never really been forced to be day to day in the struggle.  So, at the end of the day, I am really angry with myself right along with him.  I give him his props though--he learned way more about me than I thought he did.  Stay in the struggle, and get it done.

Are YOU The Partner You Want?

    I am always fascinated by what happens when women get together and the topic turns to men. A group of sisters who are educated, motivated, intellectual and intelligent that for the most part are single. This has been discussed often and rancorously. If you ask any woman about men she will have a history--via--personal experience about what is wrong with men. She will also likely pine for another opportunity with someone knowing what she knows now. The reality is, most of us can relate to this.

    There is a verse in the Bible that says: " To whom much is given, much is required. So shall it be." While this is not typically a verse used to characterize relationships, it somehow seems fitting. As sisters, many of us have a laundry list of qualities we want in a potential partner. I used to have one. Given my current situation and life, I don't believe in absolutes any longer. I think that "THE ONE" exists for everybody. No person is perfect, more importantly we are not perfect in ourselves. What right would I have to demand a perfect partner? Or a perfect relationship?

    This is the point where Christians would say that true love is designed by God and if you live a life of faith and obedience to God this magical love will be provided to you. That may be true, but since people are full of imperfections they would only mess it up. Yep, me included.

On any given day, how many of the qualities you demand in a partner do you demand in yourself? Are you consistent in the giving, demonstration and tolerance that signify love of the magnitude you want? How IN LOVE are you with yourself? Can you pass the "Naked In Front Of the Mirror" test? What about the "Hold A Mirror to Your Soul" test? We need to look inside and clear out clutter, ugliness and the pain of past relationships to be the lover that deserves the perfect love. The test is simple. After you strip all the layers away, would you want to spend the rest of your life with you? Think on it.

America's Birthday

     There are three hundred million people here in the United States of America.  Birthdays mean something different to each one of them.  I guess it's the same for America too.  I use my birthday as an opportunity to reflect on the past year, and more importantly look ahead to the next one. 

    On America's birthday I paused to take in fireworks--twice for good measure--and beyond that not much else I did was patriotic.  In defense of myself, I'm probably not alone.  I did pause to think about the soldiers I've never met that protect me as I wake and sleep, from threats seen and unseen, real, imagined and monetary.  They do this because they have been ordered to do so.  I respect this.  I don't necessarily agree with the motivation but it is what it is.

    America and I are like lifelong girlfriends.  We each have our shit with us, but at the end of the day we know that our relationship is solid.  We are good for each other.  When we are far apart on issues--I protest.  She understands that she is still my roadie, but sometimes you have to call your friends out on their mess.  The Arizona immigration thing.  The Fremont immigration thing. 

    I am free to move about the country without border checks and papers, I can vote and I can have the number of children that I choose to have.  Many can't say the same.  That being said, fifty years ago I would not have been able to vote or walk a public street in conversation with a Caucasian man.  I would have sat in the back of the bus.  Sometimes my homegirl has too high a tolerance for wrong mindedness--but that's who she is.  Sometimes she flat out looks the other way. The assassination of Salvatore Allende in Chile.  The handing of smallpox laden blankets to Native Americans.

    America--it's your birthday.  Do the damn thing.  Make sure you think about where you're going in the year ahead.  Three hundred million people are watching.  Put your best foot forward and do the damn thing.  Happy Birthday mama.  Get it done

" 'Mommy, Your Eyes are Wet..' "

    ...is what my 4 year old said to me at his "Moving Up Exercise" slash Graduation.  He asked me why I was sad.  I went on to explain to him that I wasn't sad at all.  As I stood there in the space-- that was too small, too hot and too crowded--something profound hit me.  It was one those  "AHA" moments.  Drumroll please.  I realized exactly how much richer and better I am for having the children that I have.  They are not perfect children, but they are perfectly full of individual personalities and they love me intensely.

     As they announced my youngest son's name, he shyly walked across the stage, until his female classmate yelled " 'Yaaaay' " and this somehow brought him an increased sense of confidence.  So after the yaaay he strutted.  Initially, I thought my eyes were wet from the fact that I was sweating and then I realized that I'd actually teared up.  I am so very fortunate.  I am two for three on high school grads.  As much as I forget, I live a blessed life.  All my children graduated from something this year.  I am graduating to one child in the home.


     All these things mean a lot to  me.  As a single mom, they are almost validation that staying the course--no matter how rough--is worth it.  My eldest children are adults and building their own lives.  My youngest is doing the same in many ways.  Over the next few weeks my life will be busy.  I will say an extra prayer as I send my only daughter 10 hours away to college.  I will say a prayer as my youngest will be home alone with no siblings.  I will say a prayer for peace in my heart as I will need to communicate with her dad more effectively to get through the next four years.


    So, as I thought about it in retrospect, I was sad--in a happy way.  If you have children you can understand the concept.  As my son persisted in his questions about my wet eyes, I realized in that moment that I have everything that I need to get through life.  Shout-out to the CLASS OF 2010, my graduates, and every other single parent who finds the day that much richer.  I gotta go, my eyes are wet.  

I Just Don't Get It...

...But maybe I don't need to.  So, you put your 16 year-old in a boat in January so she can circumnavigate the globe.  Shouldn't she be getting ready for prom and hanging out in the mall with girlfriends, shopping for overpriced jeans that clearly her family can afford?  Why?  I am always amazed at what people can get away with.  Where are the limits? I truly believe thaat the more money you have the more shit you are able to get away with.


     So two "parents" decided that it would be a good idea for their 16 year old to get on a boat alone and sail the globe strictly for the purpose of saying that she did it?  In a lesser income bracket, leaving your 16 year old unattended from January 30 to June 10 would likely lead to charges.  The fact that you left her in a dangerous situation--that would be the adrift-in-the-Indian-Ocean part--would lead to jail time.

     I believe in challenging children.  I believe in encouraging them to be cutting edge and daring.  The thing is, that as a parent, I also put the brakes on when necessary.  I can't really think of a time more necessary than when your kid asks to skip school for a year to  sail around the world--alone. 

     Wealth allows for frivolity.  Frivolity allows for foolishness.  Foolishness never turns out well.  I'm glad Abby is alive and well but what would the authorities have done if she wasn't?  Would their money have been sufficient to insulate them from the fate of other parents who have shown poor judgement?  Do they even believe that this was not the best conceived idea?

     If you have children, hug them.  If you have blessings, count them.  I'm sure Abby's parent are doing just that--well I hope so anyway.  Get out there and get it done.

Rand Paul and Why You Need To Know Him

     So Tea Party people are dancing in the streets with joy in their hearts. Rand Paul is someone that you should get to know.  He may in fact be the harbinger of right-wing things to come.  On the surface who wouldn't love a fresh-faced Midwestern pseudo-intellectual with a recognizable last name?  Now, had I been more tech savvy I would have inserted an audio clip here that says " 'Be afraid, be very afraid' ".

     While Mr. Paul labels himself a "Constitutional conservative", his ideals run more to the reactionary.  He believes that the nation missed the boat on the 1964 Civil Rights Act.  Additionally, and more importantly, he feels that government should not be able to regulate inclusion or discrimination.  If you are a business owner and you desire not to serve (insert minority group here) then as a business owner you should not have to.  Basically, Brown v. Board of Ed. Topeka was a wet dream.  Plessy v. Ferguson would likely be more his speed.


     So, you don't live in Kentucky, and why should you give a shit?  Mainly because he isn't a lone voice.  He is being held up as the face of a new movement in politics.  While many in his party may cringe publicly when he speaks, privately they are right there in the sentiment.  The cringe is not because he thought it but because he said it out loud.  Please note he is no Sarah Palin.  Kentucky ain't Alaska and he's picked up the NY Times for purposes other than wrapping dead fish.  So, take a read and a listen because Mr. Paul may be the wave of a future past.  Pump your fist, pick your hair and get it done.