"Now It's Time To Say Goodbye..."

Another year is drawing to a close.  In light of all the things that have happened this year, I can say two things:  I am truly blessed and I am a Survivor.  This year has been my Year of the Phoenix.  I can dwell on the difficulties or I can remember the positives.  I opt to focus on the positives.  My eldest child survived a car accident that was horrific.  My youngest son started "Big Boy" school.  My daughter is shopping for a college, and no one is the worse for wear.  I made fresh starts in several areas of my life and will likely make a few in the New Year.

This has been a tough year for my family as well.  We have celebrated victories and mourned losses.  We have held our new cousins and nieces and sent others off to the Ivy League.  We have spent our first holidays without our beloved Aunt Flo.  Her spirit is with us and we know that Heaven is very tidy and the angels have their whitest wings ever.  We miss you but we know you are with us.

I wish the same wish for the New Year that I wish for everyone every year.  For those who are searching, may you find what you seek.  For those who are struggling extend your hand when you want to close it.  Find your faith in the space where the length of your journey exceeds the courage of your heart.  Always remember that no matter the road, the struggle or the path you are only alone when you want to be.  Out with the old and in with the new.  Happy New You!!!!

Have You Stopped Running?

     I usually don't dedicate a particular post to a particular person.  That being said, I do believe in giving credit where credit is due.  My friend D.B. posted this as her status on the Wednesday before Christmas.

" '...It's called chasing a dream for a reason. Nobody gets anything by sitting still! So FB, what's your dream? Have a blessed day!' "

Simple right?  Get up and get that, right?  Make it happ'n Cap'n, right?  Well, maybe not.  So, that leads me to the title of this particular post:  "Have You Stopped Running?"  Let me  just say that if you have, I make no judgments.  Part of the reason why I am writing this is because I have to own that I have in fact stopped chasing some dreams.  I am looking at that for myself.  I go to professional luncheons with successful people and I hear about "if only this" and "the kids that" and I saw myself. 

I want to write grants.  I have the willingness, some experience, a bunch of resources and thanks to another friend who pointed out that I have 400+ friends on FB, I apparently know how to network.  Yet, I haven't moved from this spot.  My dream isn't even running all that fast. I went to a seminar once and the speaker said that every human action is borne out of motivated by love, anger, fear or hope.  I don't know if this is necessarily true, but it would damn sure explain a lot.

We see people everyday that have stopped chasing their dreams.  Whether they are large or small. I make a living on people who have stopped chasing a nightmare to start chasing a dream.  I often tell them to put in the same effort for the positive as they did for the negative.  I pass by people who are so lost in their sorrows that they may not even remember what their dream looked like.

The reality is that if you have the broadness of mind to dream a dream then you must have the strength of heart to chase it.  Success is not guaranteed but the lesson is in the journey.  If you have to learn from something why shouldn't it be from your path to destiny?  We all jog in place sometimes but the key is to never stop running. 

So Deb, thanks for making me think about this.  To L.A., put the chips down cuz it ain't on the flat screen.  Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.  Find your faith.  Find YOU.   Lace up your kicks and let's get it done.

For Men Only: Five Fallacies That Will Keep You Single or Make You Wish You Were

     So, for my brothers, my Nubian Kings, my men of distinction I am doing the same thing for you that I did earlier for my sisters.  Let me just say that I freely admit that these are fallacies through my eyes as a woman so take from that whatever you want.  I will share with you that my expertise has come primarily from living through relationships with your brothers. So, the five fallacies through the eyes and mind of one of your sisters.

1.  "I want an independent chick that's gonna hold shit down..."  This is not so much a fallacy as watch what you ask for.  There are several things that you need to understand about the hold-it-down chick.  Generally she has done so without the benefit of a partner.  Although she respects and values your input as her man and partner, at the end of the day she's gonna rock how SHE thinks she should because the result is hers to own.  My suggestion would be to consider the fact that there are things that you will hold down together and some things that you will just have to let go.  One final word on the hold-it-down chick:  make sure she isn't at the point where she's looking for a brother to do the holding down.  It's hard work.

2.  "Women shouldn't compare the new guy to her exes."  Good luck.  Many women--present company included--but I am trying to do better, will establish a spectrum with the very best on the high end and the very worst on the low end.  We will then figure out where you fall.  There are several problems with this aside from the obvious one of not looking at an individual on their own merits. Another issue is the simple fact that while each person claims no baggage from their past some are ignoring the beeping truck that is backing up to your new relationship.  The reality is that men do this all the time with respect to sex.  We compare not to cheat you of individuality but to remind ourselves.  We need to be sure that your absolute worst is something that we can survive.

3. "There's nothing wrong with a little flirting..." Can you say "relationship killer" boys and girls?  What is appropriate varies between partners.  Whatever the line in the sand is for your relationship, make sure you know where it is and stay on your side of it.  I use two standards.  My first standard is what I call the "three or less rule."  If you were with someone and you were flirting, would you be able to explain what was going on in three sentences or less and have me not be upset?  The other principle I apply is the "If it were me" rule.  Would you want a dude that wasn't you saying or doing with me, whatever it is you are saying or doing with your flirt?  Two easy self-tests.  If you answer no to either one then the next question should be " 'do I really want this relationship?' "  Slippery slope but if you have good boots, who am I to say?

4. "She needs to just understand that I have female friends..." And she will as long as everyone stays on their side of the fence.  If you have been single for a long period of time, there needs to be a discussion with your homegyrls about what the rules are NOW.  So the two a.m. to rag on her boo is no longer acceptable.  The conversation about which tie with which suit is now a girlfriend question.  And here's the shocker--they should meet each other.

5.  Sex with the EX.   You're smart there's not a whole lot of explaining that needs to go with this little bullet.  Might I suggest that she really isn't your EX until you stop sleeping with her?

Well, there you have it.  The only thing that I would add is to be honest.  Be honest about the vibe she is  giving you and be honest with your feelings about it and the space that you are in.  Love with passion and get it done.

The Take-Away Lessons From The Tiger Woods Scandal

     So, I have no idea about what the body count is at this point--and care very little.  The thing is that Tiger Woods and his situation are only remarkable, because he's Tiger Woods.  Women everywhere everyday are making the same discoveries about the loves of their life.  I have no interest in Tiger or Elin or even where they go from here.

     I am more interested in the lessons that all of us can take away from this fiasco--aside from the obvious.  I don't make any judgments, just observations.  In fact, I have several. 

Money does not soften the hurt and anguish of a cheating partner.  If anything, it probably makes it worse.  Imagine having your most humiliating moments be the lead on every network and internet site in the free world.  One of the main reasons why people are able to regroup from personal tragedies is because they are personal.  We are able to get support from friends and people in our circle to pick up the pieces and start fresh--however that may look.

Whether or not to stay or go should not be decided in the moment.  When there is trouble in a relationship, there needs to be a "pullback" moment.  It's the equivalent of taking a time out before you go for 4th and goal in football.  There needs to be a discussion with clear heads and hearts because whatever comes next--good, bad, or indifferent--will be HUGE.

Family can hurt more than help in this situation. Let's be honest.  When the gyrls get together, we will generally vote for "leave his trifling ass" on general principle.  It's never that easy.  Whether to leave or stay comes down to what is best for you emotionally.  Friends who really are, will support you no matter what.

I think only the scope of the cheating is a surprise.  I'm finding it a little hard to believe that Elin had no idea that her husband had a wandering eye and a penis to match.  The sense of entitlement associated with the sheer amount of women, leads me to believe that there is some sort of addiction.  Generally, addicts suck at hiding there addictions.  Unless you live under a rock, there's no way, even with handlers, you could hide the number of sex junkets.  Behaviors of this magnitude don't just pop up.

    So, those are just a couple of observations.  At the end of the day, whatever happens will make the evening news.  I thinks it's fortunate that their children are young so the scarring will be mimimal.  I think that the whole situation could have been avoided with some honesty.  A billion dollar atlete with a penis?  Let's be real.  Love means different things to different people and I would suspect there is a money aspect to it as well.  As women, we tolerate lots of things for the sake of the relationship or our illusion about what the relationship is or can be.  What would you tolerate for the love of your billion dollar spouse?  Think about it and get it done.

    

For Women Only: Five Fallacies About Relationships That Will Keep You Single or Make you Wish You Were

     When I had this thought initially, I was going to group men and women together.  I think that each deserves their own post and honestly, the fallacies are different.  The reasons we perpetuate them, are also different.  There will not be much discussion here about the why, the focus is on the what and possible ideas for how to fix it.  Now before I start let me just say that I make no judgments and hope that you will do the same in return.  We love as best we can given the context.  That being said, here I go.

     "He loves me, so he's leaving her..." OK.  I can't say enough about this.  Men are action oriented. Men will generally not pontificate about what they plan to do, may possibly do, wish they would do, they simply plan, announce, and do.  He may say that for several reasons, the most important one being his need for what is where your thighs meet.  When you hear this there are several things you should ask yourself.

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       How well will he be able to focus on our "new" relationship while he is in the throes of getting out of the old one?
  
  
  

•     How well do you think this will go over with the wife or partner?  This is important because you can believe that her pain and hurt is going to your problem for at least the first year--longer if they have children. 
• And the final and perhaps most important question:  What is the karmic payback for being at least some of the reason that a family ends.

    "If he has nothing to hide then it doesn't matter..." Ok.  This is the part where I tell you that you need to take your Amy Winehouse ass to Rehab.  Hell yeah it matters.  The reality is that if you don't trust him, then it's likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The more he feels mistrusted, the less he feels he has to lose.  This is the off ramp to couple hell, and it's hard to find the exit without making an exit.  The reality is that if he's up to something it will come out anyway and as much as it hurts, respect the journey to discovery.  The reality is that if you suspect something then you should flat out ask. 

"We're together now, he shouldn't be hanging out with his boys..."  When we couple up it is not reasonable to expect our partners to leave their networks behind.  Very rarely do the ask us to do the same.  Generally, hanging out with the boys is without incident for most men.  Limiting the hang out time with them will probably have a reverse effect.  It's like telling kids not to take cookies from the counter.  Keep your mind open because there will always be at least one homey that you won't like.

"He's just really into me, that's why he's jealous like that..." Well you may be absolutely right, or far more likely he may be abusive or have anger issues.  Initially the attention is probably very flattering.  Then smothering.  Then scary.  The reality is that there are varying degrees of jealous.  When people truly are partners, then own the relationship and not each other.  Any behavior that you have to explain or lie about is probably a red flag to your friends.  Be careful here my sistas, these turn into the stories that we read about in the paper.

"He would never cheat on me, he loves me..."  Ladies, ladies, ladies...if he cheated with you then he will likely cheat on you.  Please note that cheating is very rarely about a lack of love--it may be more about a lack of respect for the relationship.  Cheating is devastating to everyone involved, whether they admit it or not.  Cheating is about many things from pathology to entitlement to opportunity.  No matter what, relationships are never the same after.

    So, there you have it.  At the outset I promised to suggest solutions to the possible issues.  My solution for all of them is practically the same.  Be honest and above board with your partner.  Teach people how to treat you and make actions have consequences.  LOVE YOU so much that people have no choice but to love you well.  Whatever the experience take the lesson from the journey.  Get it done.