For Women Only: Five Fallacies About Relationships That Will Keep You Single or Make you Wish You Were

     When I had this thought initially, I was going to group men and women together.  I think that each deserves their own post and honestly, the fallacies are different.  The reasons we perpetuate them, are also different.  There will not be much discussion here about the why, the focus is on the what and possible ideas for how to fix it.  Now before I start let me just say that I make no judgments and hope that you will do the same in return.  We love as best we can given the context.  That being said, here I go.

     "He loves me, so he's leaving her..." OK.  I can't say enough about this.  Men are action oriented. Men will generally not pontificate about what they plan to do, may possibly do, wish they would do, they simply plan, announce, and do.  He may say that for several reasons, the most important one being his need for what is where your thighs meet.  When you hear this there are several things you should ask yourself.

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       How well will he be able to focus on our "new" relationship while he is in the throes of getting out of the old one?
  
  
  

•     How well do you think this will go over with the wife or partner?  This is important because you can believe that her pain and hurt is going to your problem for at least the first year--longer if they have children. 
• And the final and perhaps most important question:  What is the karmic payback for being at least some of the reason that a family ends.

    "If he has nothing to hide then it doesn't matter..." Ok.  This is the part where I tell you that you need to take your Amy Winehouse ass to Rehab.  Hell yeah it matters.  The reality is that if you don't trust him, then it's likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The more he feels mistrusted, the less he feels he has to lose.  This is the off ramp to couple hell, and it's hard to find the exit without making an exit.  The reality is that if he's up to something it will come out anyway and as much as it hurts, respect the journey to discovery.  The reality is that if you suspect something then you should flat out ask. 

"We're together now, he shouldn't be hanging out with his boys..."  When we couple up it is not reasonable to expect our partners to leave their networks behind.  Very rarely do the ask us to do the same.  Generally, hanging out with the boys is without incident for most men.  Limiting the hang out time with them will probably have a reverse effect.  It's like telling kids not to take cookies from the counter.  Keep your mind open because there will always be at least one homey that you won't like.

"He's just really into me, that's why he's jealous like that..." Well you may be absolutely right, or far more likely he may be abusive or have anger issues.  Initially the attention is probably very flattering.  Then smothering.  Then scary.  The reality is that there are varying degrees of jealous.  When people truly are partners, then own the relationship and not each other.  Any behavior that you have to explain or lie about is probably a red flag to your friends.  Be careful here my sistas, these turn into the stories that we read about in the paper.

"He would never cheat on me, he loves me..."  Ladies, ladies, ladies...if he cheated with you then he will likely cheat on you.  Please note that cheating is very rarely about a lack of love--it may be more about a lack of respect for the relationship.  Cheating is devastating to everyone involved, whether they admit it or not.  Cheating is about many things from pathology to entitlement to opportunity.  No matter what, relationships are never the same after.

    So, there you have it.  At the outset I promised to suggest solutions to the possible issues.  My solution for all of them is practically the same.  Be honest and above board with your partner.  Teach people how to treat you and make actions have consequences.  LOVE YOU so much that people have no choice but to love you well.  Whatever the experience take the lesson from the journey.  Get it done.