For Men Only: Five Fallacies That Will Keep You Single or Make You Wish You Were

     So, for my brothers, my Nubian Kings, my men of distinction I am doing the same thing for you that I did earlier for my sisters.  Let me just say that I freely admit that these are fallacies through my eyes as a woman so take from that whatever you want.  I will share with you that my expertise has come primarily from living through relationships with your brothers. So, the five fallacies through the eyes and mind of one of your sisters.

1.  "I want an independent chick that's gonna hold shit down..."  This is not so much a fallacy as watch what you ask for.  There are several things that you need to understand about the hold-it-down chick.  Generally she has done so without the benefit of a partner.  Although she respects and values your input as her man and partner, at the end of the day she's gonna rock how SHE thinks she should because the result is hers to own.  My suggestion would be to consider the fact that there are things that you will hold down together and some things that you will just have to let go.  One final word on the hold-it-down chick:  make sure she isn't at the point where she's looking for a brother to do the holding down.  It's hard work.

2.  "Women shouldn't compare the new guy to her exes."  Good luck.  Many women--present company included--but I am trying to do better, will establish a spectrum with the very best on the high end and the very worst on the low end.  We will then figure out where you fall.  There are several problems with this aside from the obvious one of not looking at an individual on their own merits. Another issue is the simple fact that while each person claims no baggage from their past some are ignoring the beeping truck that is backing up to your new relationship.  The reality is that men do this all the time with respect to sex.  We compare not to cheat you of individuality but to remind ourselves.  We need to be sure that your absolute worst is something that we can survive.

3. "There's nothing wrong with a little flirting..." Can you say "relationship killer" boys and girls?  What is appropriate varies between partners.  Whatever the line in the sand is for your relationship, make sure you know where it is and stay on your side of it.  I use two standards.  My first standard is what I call the "three or less rule."  If you were with someone and you were flirting, would you be able to explain what was going on in three sentences or less and have me not be upset?  The other principle I apply is the "If it were me" rule.  Would you want a dude that wasn't you saying or doing with me, whatever it is you are saying or doing with your flirt?  Two easy self-tests.  If you answer no to either one then the next question should be " 'do I really want this relationship?' "  Slippery slope but if you have good boots, who am I to say?

4. "She needs to just understand that I have female friends..." And she will as long as everyone stays on their side of the fence.  If you have been single for a long period of time, there needs to be a discussion with your homegyrls about what the rules are NOW.  So the two a.m. to rag on her boo is no longer acceptable.  The conversation about which tie with which suit is now a girlfriend question.  And here's the shocker--they should meet each other.

5.  Sex with the EX.   You're smart there's not a whole lot of explaining that needs to go with this little bullet.  Might I suggest that she really isn't your EX until you stop sleeping with her?

Well, there you have it.  The only thing that I would add is to be honest.  Be honest about the vibe she is  giving you and be honest with your feelings about it and the space that you are in.  Love with passion and get it done.