"I'm Glad To Have A Job, But Damn..."

... is something I have said to myself everyday this week. I have to remind myself that some people would kill to be knee deep in foolishness and cutthroat bitches. So, I have good friends that were co-workers four months ago.  They are now "my friends I used to work with".   This was the whole hitting home thing for me.  I work in what must possibly be the most hostile work environment ever created.  Now my boss is not grabbing my ass or anything like that--but that would likely be an improvement. 

I have decided that when I retire I am going to write a book--and please know--I'm not changing a single name because none of these itchbays is innocent.   You simply can't make up characters this good. The conniving young upstart, the two-faced colleague, the puppet and the master, and the don't have a clue person will bear their official government names.  I may be kind enough not to use first and last but it will all depend on how I come through.  It amazes me what people will do sometimes.  I have worked with substance abusers for a long time and really, they have nothing on this group of trifling chicks. They are the poster for an all male workplace. For my part, I shouldn't let it get to me, but there are days when the busyness is so loud that it's like listening to the PA system in a stadium where it's just you.  My department is in a state of flux.  By all accounts, it appears that the guard is changing.

I worked on a "special project" and my life hasn't been the same since.  For one thing, I learned a lot about the true nature of some of my colleagues and believe me, ugly is a river and she runs real deep.  For the better part, I have a concrete understanding of where I stand.  Trust me, it wasn't where I thought it was.  I am glad I have a job.  It helps with the money.  I have no idea how much longer I will have my job, but I know that I have an opportunity to determine my fate in some small way.   Someone has determined that I shouldn't be paid for the work I've done.  I'm just going to keep praying on that.

There is a proverb that says "smooth seas don't make for skillful sailors."  Well then, between momming, relationships and work, I can sail the globe in a dingy.  I'm glad to have a job, but damn...  Don't get it twisted, I will get it done.

Recession Lessons

     Let just start out by saying that this blog will not provide you with any tips and will talk not very much about money.  The recession really has taught me very little about money.  On the other hand, it has taught me a hell of a lot about people.  As a single mom of three, I have developed a talent for dealing with money droughts.  A talent that has left some scars, but that will be a blog for another day.  I think that the recession has been one of the most dramatic events in the lives of many. 

If nothing else, it has begun to separate the men from the boys emotionally.  For some, who they are is heavily tied to wealth, income and status.  Lose those and they may lose themselves.  I am thankful for the struggles that I endure as a single parent and I have a set of problems that many people would like to have.  I have one child in tech school, another on the way to college and a ridiculously bright pre-schooler and I will be returning to school soon as well.  Paying for it, is a source of stress,  making the rent is a source of stress  especially when my agency, owes me tons of money.  I can appreciate the small moments, and that's where I garnr my strength.  I doubt they would have happened or mattered as much if I didn't have to look for something to appreciate in the absence of material wealth.

While I realize this may only be a personal shortfall of mine, I tend to think it slightly more widespread and doubt that I'm the only one.  My grendfather used to say " 'everyone believes in the sun when the clouds are gone.' "  Alot to digest for a 6 year old but true nonetheless.  Now, this is one of the few times where less is more.  Most minorities, single moms and working poor stay in the struggle on a constant basis.  You develop a set of skills and a skin that tells you once you do your best to get things paid it will turn out however it's supposed to.

What makes the recession tragic and notable  is that the people who have spent their adulthoods acquiring, maintaining and promoting wealth, no longer have it and are devastated.  I went through losing a home and it hurt that much more because of the struggle that went into getting it.  I feel fortunate almost that I have a life that helped me develop skills that are coming in handy.  It's like bringing an umbrella on a sunny day--everyone is laughing and ignoring you until the clouds roll in. 

It is devastating to listen to the Bernie Madoff, Enron and AIG stories.  However, they all share a common thread--people.  No one deserves to lose their life savings or their home. However not since 3 card monty did anyone ever offer and guaranteee a 200% return on an investment every year.  No one looks up at the ceiling when they live in a house of cards.

The lessons to take away? 

1. Love people not money.
2. Understand that neither may love you back. 
3. Too good to be true usually is.
4. People who love you will give you their support.
5. Who you are in a crisis says more about you than you may want people to know.
6. Be able to look yourself in the eye when you pass a mirror.
7. Find your faith, because it's been looking for you.

Get it done.

The Case for Why "Cougars" Really Aren't or "Maybe But that's the Wrong Cat..."

The earliest known reference to "cougars" being anything but cats probably dates back to 1999 and a Canadian website where "women of a certain age" could meet younger men. Now most of the references I heard about "cougars" are derrogatory. "Cougar" is defined as a woman who frequently seeks companionshp with men that are significantly her junior. Most people use the ten years or more rule.

So let me point out some differences between cougars, as in the cat and cougars as in the women. The cat is predatory. It will lie in wait for a particular piece of prey. Please note that the term prey implies an implicit, preexisting imbalance of power. Cougars the cat are not discriminatory about their prey. Meat is meat. Women are very discriminatory about their men.

The "cat chick" would not be attracted to this type of hunter/prey dynamic. Despite what people suggest, women like their men strong. What attracts a woman to a man is, for the most part universal across age types. Women are attracted by confidence, looks, attitude and generally like to feel some type of connection with someone they have an interest in or feelings for. The cat has no such connection to its prey. If anything, the male object of a "Cat chick's" attention has a slight advantage, primarily due to the fact that they are the object of interest.

The reality is that cat prey has no such advantage. Most women, want a man that they can build with with, even if that building is limited to what can be erected in a single night while "asleep" in bed. Cougars, do not partner with their prey. Cat chicks are thrilled to partner with the objects of their interest.

The last and final thing I will say about "cat chicks" is that in one area they are much like cougars. They are fiercely protective of their partners, as many women are of their men. So, there you have it. Women that date younger men may be cats, but they really aren't cougars. Are you a cat person?

"Extra" Credit

So, my almost four year old now goes to "Big Boy School". He loves it and I think I do too. In additional to a quality education on a limited income, it provides me an opportunity to observe--not only others but myself. One thing that I have observed immediately is that my son's dad has turned out to be exactly the opposite of the dad he promised to be. Very early on in the pregnancy he made it clear that he wasn't taking a seat of the parenting train. Scare tactic? Don't know to this day but I can tell you that as a single parent two times over--he would've needed to bring his A game on a threat--that was a D at best. For my observation about me, I'd have to say that I was a little resistant to the change even though I initiated it and then had the nerve to have second thoughts about it. Shameful really.

I am a firm believer in credit where credit is due. Now I am going to stay focused on the positive and say only that if he applied his current connectedness to his son to a relationship partner he would be like the best catch ever or at least a decent size fish. Because he would drop the baby at the sitter, I really had no idea of the sort of secret bonding that was going on around me. I bore witness to this by accident over of all things an oil change. It seems that the fellas go for these on a regular basis, together, while I am working. Just so happened that I went along and I have to say, I was definitely the outsider. Evidently, there is pomp and ceremony around this process that includes a " 'Hey there buddy' " from the oil change people, followed by Doritos and a car wash that is watched behind a glass and finally a greeting from the air freshener lady who noted that he came with an "extra" person. I can only assume it was me because never did she look up from my son's gaze.

I didn't like being the "extra" person and because most of my friends are male and not necessarily with the mothers of their children I was immediately curious about whether or not this ever happened to them. I was saddened to find that while I experienced this as an incident, that many of them live in this space--albeit for different reasons. Several of them just accept the exclusion as the price for leaving. Several others are proactive and strive towards inclusion, and then there is my friend, let's call him *Cory. "Cory" has lived this and its left scars. So much so, that he has bullied his ex into believing that there better not be anything that he doesn't know about his boys.

For her part, she sees approval for everything at every turn which he claims is an irritant. I'm keeping my money, I don't buy it. The reality is that parenting with someone, where the only thing you have in common is your child is difficult at best.

For my part, being "extra" has made me a little more mindful of my approach. I won't be fully inclusive until he gets that boundaries are not to step on, kick over or walk through, and any effort to do so just makes me want to make the boundary that much taller, deeper and thicker. In the interest of my son, however, I fire shots across the bow before I train the missile. We can always do better if we remember the rush of love we felt the very first time unfocused eyes looked up at us and stole our hearts.

Happy Habitrails

So, if you are of a certain age then you will remember these little wheels inside cages that were designed to provide pet rodents with hours of entertainment and exercise so as not to remind them that they were in fact pet rodents. I never owned a pet rodent or understood the appeal of doing so, but evidently a lot of my peers did.

In my adulthood, I ponder the whole Habitrail penomenon in a totally different light. I have often wondered if those little rodents realized they were just little rodents? More importantly, the Habitrail is a metaphor for so many different things in the life of many people--if they are willing to admit it. So, how many times have we run endlessly in a circle, believing that we were moving towards something? Now, if you have never done this, then congratulations because you are out ahead of many of your comtemporaries.

I will only speak for myself, and of things I know. I have had Habitrail runs in almost every area of my life but they have probably been the most profound in the area of relationships and money. For the relationship part, I have stayed too long, left too soon, tried too hard and not tried hard enough. The reality is, that once I decided that my happiness and joy was my responsibility, I was far more clear on where I should and shouldn't be. I am single now, and not especially happy about it but I believe that the universe centers us in spite of ourselves. I write my singleness off as that and at some point I will be blissfully happy. This is not to say that I am unhappy, I just believe that there is a different level of happiness that is achieved when you connect with another human being on that level where you just "get each other."

As far as money goes, it hates me and I need it. My relationship with money has run the gamut from totally functional to slave and master, master and slave and currently tenuous partners with money giving less than it needs to. The reality is, that I am less traumatized about my "me and money" relationship because frankly, I got a nation full of company. At this point, I know that barring a LOTTO win, I am just sort of where I'm gonna be with money. I have one son in college, a daughter that's going, and another son in preschool. I am doing my best and hoping that it's good enough.

I consider myself fortunate. There are so many people that don't even realize they are on the wheel, at least I'm fortunate enough to get off. How about you?

The Repoductive Rainbow or "How Old Are Your Kids Again?"

So if you have a pulse then you are probably aware of the fact that I have three children. I love them deeply. They are versatile. They can be angelic in one moment and the spawn of Satan in the next. I have a son in college, a daughter on the way to college--and I'm shopping for a quality preschool for my youngest. This is the part where people generally gasp and say things like "Wow, why'd you go back?" or "Surprise baby?" or "Oooh wow." 19, 17, and just about 4. I'm getting my mom on.

Now, I'll be the first to admit learning that I was pregnant was slightly--well--traumatic may be too strong but it's close enough to count as accurate. I actually just counted it as an "oh well, gotta shift gears" type of thing. It wasn't until the"Guess What" conversation that I even had an inkling that I had a "sit-cha-a-shen". Let me be unabashedly honest and say that it wasnt until my first prenatal appointment when I whispered to the nurse why I was there, that I realized that I had some embarrassment about expecting with teenagers at home. Their reaction will be the subject of a separate post.

I can say with certainty, that the last time I had such a profound spell of personal growth, was when I became a single mom via separation and divorce. It isn't lost on me that on two separate occasions the birth of a child was the birth of a new me. If my kids never smiled, waved, hugged or kissed me again, this alone would be special enough to last me a lifetime. As part of my growth, I had to wonder why I grew most when forced to grow as opposed to growing just because. At some point, I invested more in the growing than in the why of it all.

I love being a mom. I love being a mom to my particular children. Parenting on the rainbow provides me with an opportunity to enjoy, remember, appreciate and look forward to the many things that children can and will do. For my part, being brutally honest, each of my kids has had a different mom. With my first child, I tried to read every parenting book on the planet. Useless. It was strictly on-the-job training. With my daughter, I had the ability to begin to fine tune my parenting repertoire.

Waiting a decade to have another child led to the realization that the game done changed. Parenting is almost passe'. Many kids learn early on, that if they just wait out the stressed out grown up that they can write their own ticket. My youngest gets away with way more than the other kids did and they remind me every chance they get. This has more to do with having grown enough to choose battles more carefully and frankly the devil is in the details.

I owe all of my children different things for different reasons but what matters most is that I have three opportunities to create prouctive citizens. I hope for them more than anything that they realize the importance of personal growth and develop a solid belief that they are of positive energy and that this will motivate them to be a force for good on whatever level they can, whether it be finding a cure for something or finding a way to reach another human being.

I also appreciate the value and joy in seeing a boy become a man, a girl become a woman and an infant become a preschooler. It's ironic that I now go to birthday parties with my son for for the children of the children I used to hold and babysit for. It reminds me every day that my life is so rich and that I am well loved and well blessed. Being unabashedly honest, there are days when I forget to thank the universe for this.

Lately, I have been lamenting my single status or my "partnerlessness". Truth of the matter is I am fortunate to have a life that is full of people that love me and have helped me grow. I am constantly in the crunch about time and money. I have learned that the richness of you is never found in your wallet and I wish everybody would catch on. I am gazillionaire and I hope to share the wealth for many years to come. Peace.

Random Realizations and Observations From A Day Out and About

So, from time to time I muse and ponder. Not necessarily about world changing events or ideas but just average everyday stuff. I am prone to do this from time to time--I will pause here to note that my ex believed that this was done just to piss him off but at times he found it endearing. See, I'm off to a totally random start. Please note these thoughts are in no particular order.

I qualify as a "supercommuter". According to AAA, I have earned this title because I travel more than 50 miles one way to get to work. I drive so I get alot of opportunities to observe behaviors. I understand multi-tasking but I am amazed at how much OTHER stuff people are doing in addition to driving. To the driving public:

• 
  
  Please avoid the left lane if you are unwilling to travel 10 miles above the speed limit.


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  If you own a BMW, Mercedes or Porsche it's OK to hit the pedal to the right of the brake. The engine will not fall out and the car Gods will not take it personally.


• 
  
  You should not be doing anything more difficult than switching radio stations while you are driving. Shaving and eating a four course meal defy the limits of good sense.


• 
  
  Please do not try that road rage ish with me cuz I'm not the one.

So, enough about driving. Let's shift gears. No pun intended, right hand high. One thing that I have come to realize is that the world--well at least Orange County--is populated by two groups of people: those who wish to connect and those who don't. For the most part, the two groups are like the Dani tribe--they take their victories one at a time. The Connectors will make eye contact and smile at children. The Leave Me Alones will never make eye contact, and will try to avoid the appearance that they are remotely interested in your presence. I am evil and twisted so I purposely try to use my Connector skills on Leave Me Alones every chance I get. Twisted I know.

I was in that bastion of evildoing--Wal-Mart. Parents are damn glad their kids are heading back to school and if the kids are savvy enough, they can name their price. My final observation is also Wal-Mart related. I overheard two Hasidic women speaking in english , which is itself rare, and they were discussing how unclean the store was, while their children were riding bikes down the aisles and stealing candy. Stones and glass people. Stones and glass.