"Extra" Credit

So, my almost four year old now goes to "Big Boy School". He loves it and I think I do too. In additional to a quality education on a limited income, it provides me an opportunity to observe--not only others but myself. One thing that I have observed immediately is that my son's dad has turned out to be exactly the opposite of the dad he promised to be. Very early on in the pregnancy he made it clear that he wasn't taking a seat of the parenting train. Scare tactic? Don't know to this day but I can tell you that as a single parent two times over--he would've needed to bring his A game on a threat--that was a D at best. For my observation about me, I'd have to say that I was a little resistant to the change even though I initiated it and then had the nerve to have second thoughts about it. Shameful really.

I am a firm believer in credit where credit is due. Now I am going to stay focused on the positive and say only that if he applied his current connectedness to his son to a relationship partner he would be like the best catch ever or at least a decent size fish. Because he would drop the baby at the sitter, I really had no idea of the sort of secret bonding that was going on around me. I bore witness to this by accident over of all things an oil change. It seems that the fellas go for these on a regular basis, together, while I am working. Just so happened that I went along and I have to say, I was definitely the outsider. Evidently, there is pomp and ceremony around this process that includes a " 'Hey there buddy' " from the oil change people, followed by Doritos and a car wash that is watched behind a glass and finally a greeting from the air freshener lady who noted that he came with an "extra" person. I can only assume it was me because never did she look up from my son's gaze.

I didn't like being the "extra" person and because most of my friends are male and not necessarily with the mothers of their children I was immediately curious about whether or not this ever happened to them. I was saddened to find that while I experienced this as an incident, that many of them live in this space--albeit for different reasons. Several of them just accept the exclusion as the price for leaving. Several others are proactive and strive towards inclusion, and then there is my friend, let's call him *Cory. "Cory" has lived this and its left scars. So much so, that he has bullied his ex into believing that there better not be anything that he doesn't know about his boys.

For her part, she sees approval for everything at every turn which he claims is an irritant. I'm keeping my money, I don't buy it. The reality is that parenting with someone, where the only thing you have in common is your child is difficult at best.

For my part, being "extra" has made me a little more mindful of my approach. I won't be fully inclusive until he gets that boundaries are not to step on, kick over or walk through, and any effort to do so just makes me want to make the boundary that much taller, deeper and thicker. In the interest of my son, however, I fire shots across the bow before I train the missile. We can always do better if we remember the rush of love we felt the very first time unfocused eyes looked up at us and stole our hearts.