First Ladies

     For the second time in four months my family gathered to lay someone to rest.  We count ourselves among the fortunate, because we were blessed to have them for the time that we did.  As I sat with my extended family in church in Harlem waiting for the funeral to start, I was struck by several things.  The first and most profound thing is that there are a lot of us.  My thoughts turned for a second and I thought about how we used to run around the huge yard at Cousin Hazel's house under the summer sky and how although there was no gate around it, nobody left the yard.  Good times with good people.  I was also struck by the fact that my "little cousins" are moms and dads and adults in their own right.  I remember hosting parties for my kids and them showing up with brightly colored gifts and big smiles.  At that moment, I smiled and my cousin asked what I was thinking about.  I remembered why we were gathered, and looked around and realized that other people were smiling too.

    Aunt Rose, although technically she really isn't my aunt passed away two months shy of her 111th birthday.  I remember her as a strong quiet woman who always had a hug and enjoyed a smile.  She is the Aunt of my grandmother. My great grandmother was her sister.  She was the youngest of six.  She was also a woman of beauty and was responsible for a long line of ladies.  Not just women, ladies.  She left a mark on everything she touched and believed deeply in family.  She lived a life where she laid her only daughter to rest, witnessed countless firsts and saw the development of tootpaste.

     I mourn the loss while I celebrate the blessing.  Not many people can say they are a five generation family.  Not many people can lay claim to a generation of women who taught us the importance of place settings and tablecloths, tea and cake, cooking and being loved.  They did these things well and nurtured us to do the same.  Clean white shirts.  Polished black shoes.  A warm spirit.  A loving heart.  A kind Soul.  That was ladyhood. 

    My cousins and I have vowed to try to do the same for the young girls in  our family now.  It's difficult to develop Ladies in a day and age of everything pointing to not being a lady.  We miss our Aunt Flo and our Aunt Rose and know that our lives we better for their touch.  Rest well ladies.

Single and a Sista

     So there is much ado about the fact that 42% of Black women are single.  While initially that may be alarming for some, I'm from the "...and what?..." school of thought regarding it.  Let me just come out and say it.  Some of us need to stay single.  Some of us are never married and totally cool with that. Continuing in the same vane, still others of us wouldn't be able to pass the tests that we set out for potential partners.  I guess I will insert my disclaimers here in the interest of full disclosure.  I have been married and divorced and I am currently single.

     I'm going to make several observations about my sisters and maybe even come to some realizations about  myself.  I think that while women are more than ready to take inventory of their potential mates, we are far less willing to do the same of ourselves.  The fact of the matter is that we are always able to our left and right but not always able to look in the mirror. 

    One of the shows that I watch is Bridezillas.  Judge me if you must but it's good watching.  It's like a car accident, you want to look away but you're riveted.  I ask myself, why would anyone want to even marry these heffas, but people do.  Clearly, they know something that I don't because I'm single.  Most women--when asked--will say they value honesty, faithfulness and trust in a relationship.  These are the same women who fake orgasms, sneak out to girls' night and hide credit card bills.  No judgment, just a statement. 

    Women also need to recognize the difference between being a couple, being in a relationship and being committed.  We may use them interchangeably but they are quite different and the differences are very important.  Being a couple means that you have developed a mutual feeling and have agreed to spend time together.  This is the stage where many women assume that there is exclusivity and are angered when they find that there isn't.  Being in a relationship means that you have a connection on one, several or many levels with a particular individual.  This is the person who would be your one phone call if you ever ended up in stripes at County.  Being committed is the the peak of partnering.  This is the stage where you and your partner have discussed the major issues of couplehood and agree to be like minded on issues, compromise on others and agree to disagree on some things.  Commitment is exclusive.  People tend to be clear on where they stand with each other and are clear on the fact that they don't necessarily want to stand without each other.  For me, I hope for a committed relationship at some point.

    The fact of the matter is that we ask questions when we buy cars, homes, appliances and clothing.  We don't ask nearly as many questions as we should of our potential partners.  This is not to suggest that simply asking would yield the truth.  Relationships are serious, and it behooves to be our best if we are going to demand someone else's.  Think on it and get it done.

   

    

"Damn, We Ten Years In Already...?" or Reflections On The Passage Of Time

     So, the new year is a day old, the millenium is entering its second decade and in a few hours I will mark my 20th anniversary as a mom.  It is no accident that time, cumulatively speaking seems to pass more quickly as you age.  Yes, it does seem that the year just began and it will be Martin Luther King Day in two weeks.  So, there are actually pople who study this.  My interest and the subject of the post is more about the feeling than the "science" behind it. You guys know that I am a thinking chick so if you check here you can get some more info.

     I am also subject to this phenomenon.  My "baby" is a preschooler and actually is vocal enough to list why he isn't a baby.  My "little girl" will be heading to college later in the year.  My eldest, who was born today, January 2, is 20.  He is older than Google.  And Facebook. And cell phones.  The very same things that will be staples of my youngest child's existence.  As they years fly by, the good days fly and the bad days drag.  It is what it is and that's just it.

     The new millenium has brought a lot of things on a personal and a global scale. I don't suggest that the ones I list here or the feelings that they bring are the only important ones.  They are simply the ones that come to mind readily or move me so profoundly that I can't ignore then.  In my effort to be orderly, they are in chronological order.

     9/11/2001--Never did I want my kids to have an event that marked their existence the same way JFK's assassination marked my parents'.  That day was a defining moment for a million reasons but primarily because it was the first time that I felt ineffective and useless as a mom.  I was at work in Harlem and my kids were at different schools in Queens.  I remember the teacher asking me to explain to my daughter, where I was in location to where the Towers.  I stood on the steps of my building and explained that Harlem was "far up" and the World Trade was "way down" while fighter jets buzzed Harlem.  I remember her asking how long was it going to take for me to get home and I wasn't coming anytime soon.  I also remember the overwhelming sense of relief when I finally did get home and how I didn't leave it for three days.  My son said that he was "fine".  After I realized that they were cringing in terror at the evening news intro, I just stopped watching.

    2003.  The year I picked up my kids and moved from the city to the country for better schools and more structure.  This little adventure needs it own post. I will tell you that when I decided to buy a house I had $112 in the bank and a committed spirit.  I will tell you that when I finished closing I had $86 in the bank. What passed in between was very interesting and deserves its own post.

    2005.  The year I gave birth to my youngest son.  A drama filled, medically challenging pregnancy, seventeen hours of labor--notable to point out that is more hours than the other two labors combined.  An absolute blessing that allowed me to have a bond with my cousin that I would not have had otherwise.  Life gained an amazing clarity and a refocused sense of purpose.

       Now, I don't want to suggest that nothing happened from '05 to '09 but I am going to skip ahead to the most eventful year of the decade.

    2009.  A year of losses and growth and possibly the only time I ever felt that I wasn't coming out on the other side.  My home, my Aunt Flo and some of my hope.  I mourned them all but I grew and came through and I am back.  The year is new and will bring some uncertainty.  My program is closing and there will be the madness that set of circumstances brings.  I am reconnecting with my faith so I know I will come through however he plans for me to.  Failure is not an option.  I am taking this walk and I'm gonna do the damn thing.  Take your walk and get it done.

"Now It's Time To Say Goodbye..."

Another year is drawing to a close.  In light of all the things that have happened this year, I can say two things:  I am truly blessed and I am a Survivor.  This year has been my Year of the Phoenix.  I can dwell on the difficulties or I can remember the positives.  I opt to focus on the positives.  My eldest child survived a car accident that was horrific.  My youngest son started "Big Boy" school.  My daughter is shopping for a college, and no one is the worse for wear.  I made fresh starts in several areas of my life and will likely make a few in the New Year.

This has been a tough year for my family as well.  We have celebrated victories and mourned losses.  We have held our new cousins and nieces and sent others off to the Ivy League.  We have spent our first holidays without our beloved Aunt Flo.  Her spirit is with us and we know that Heaven is very tidy and the angels have their whitest wings ever.  We miss you but we know you are with us.

I wish the same wish for the New Year that I wish for everyone every year.  For those who are searching, may you find what you seek.  For those who are struggling extend your hand when you want to close it.  Find your faith in the space where the length of your journey exceeds the courage of your heart.  Always remember that no matter the road, the struggle or the path you are only alone when you want to be.  Out with the old and in with the new.  Happy New You!!!!

Have You Stopped Running?

     I usually don't dedicate a particular post to a particular person.  That being said, I do believe in giving credit where credit is due.  My friend D.B. posted this as her status on the Wednesday before Christmas.

" '...It's called chasing a dream for a reason. Nobody gets anything by sitting still! So FB, what's your dream? Have a blessed day!' "

Simple right?  Get up and get that, right?  Make it happ'n Cap'n, right?  Well, maybe not.  So, that leads me to the title of this particular post:  "Have You Stopped Running?"  Let me  just say that if you have, I make no judgments.  Part of the reason why I am writing this is because I have to own that I have in fact stopped chasing some dreams.  I am looking at that for myself.  I go to professional luncheons with successful people and I hear about "if only this" and "the kids that" and I saw myself. 

I want to write grants.  I have the willingness, some experience, a bunch of resources and thanks to another friend who pointed out that I have 400+ friends on FB, I apparently know how to network.  Yet, I haven't moved from this spot.  My dream isn't even running all that fast. I went to a seminar once and the speaker said that every human action is borne out of motivated by love, anger, fear or hope.  I don't know if this is necessarily true, but it would damn sure explain a lot.

We see people everyday that have stopped chasing their dreams.  Whether they are large or small. I make a living on people who have stopped chasing a nightmare to start chasing a dream.  I often tell them to put in the same effort for the positive as they did for the negative.  I pass by people who are so lost in their sorrows that they may not even remember what their dream looked like.

The reality is that if you have the broadness of mind to dream a dream then you must have the strength of heart to chase it.  Success is not guaranteed but the lesson is in the journey.  If you have to learn from something why shouldn't it be from your path to destiny?  We all jog in place sometimes but the key is to never stop running. 

So Deb, thanks for making me think about this.  To L.A., put the chips down cuz it ain't on the flat screen.  Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.  Find your faith.  Find YOU.   Lace up your kicks and let's get it done.

For Men Only: Five Fallacies That Will Keep You Single or Make You Wish You Were

     So, for my brothers, my Nubian Kings, my men of distinction I am doing the same thing for you that I did earlier for my sisters.  Let me just say that I freely admit that these are fallacies through my eyes as a woman so take from that whatever you want.  I will share with you that my expertise has come primarily from living through relationships with your brothers. So, the five fallacies through the eyes and mind of one of your sisters.

1.  "I want an independent chick that's gonna hold shit down..."  This is not so much a fallacy as watch what you ask for.  There are several things that you need to understand about the hold-it-down chick.  Generally she has done so without the benefit of a partner.  Although she respects and values your input as her man and partner, at the end of the day she's gonna rock how SHE thinks she should because the result is hers to own.  My suggestion would be to consider the fact that there are things that you will hold down together and some things that you will just have to let go.  One final word on the hold-it-down chick:  make sure she isn't at the point where she's looking for a brother to do the holding down.  It's hard work.

2.  "Women shouldn't compare the new guy to her exes."  Good luck.  Many women--present company included--but I am trying to do better, will establish a spectrum with the very best on the high end and the very worst on the low end.  We will then figure out where you fall.  There are several problems with this aside from the obvious one of not looking at an individual on their own merits. Another issue is the simple fact that while each person claims no baggage from their past some are ignoring the beeping truck that is backing up to your new relationship.  The reality is that men do this all the time with respect to sex.  We compare not to cheat you of individuality but to remind ourselves.  We need to be sure that your absolute worst is something that we can survive.

3. "There's nothing wrong with a little flirting..." Can you say "relationship killer" boys and girls?  What is appropriate varies between partners.  Whatever the line in the sand is for your relationship, make sure you know where it is and stay on your side of it.  I use two standards.  My first standard is what I call the "three or less rule."  If you were with someone and you were flirting, would you be able to explain what was going on in three sentences or less and have me not be upset?  The other principle I apply is the "If it were me" rule.  Would you want a dude that wasn't you saying or doing with me, whatever it is you are saying or doing with your flirt?  Two easy self-tests.  If you answer no to either one then the next question should be " 'do I really want this relationship?' "  Slippery slope but if you have good boots, who am I to say?

4. "She needs to just understand that I have female friends..." And she will as long as everyone stays on their side of the fence.  If you have been single for a long period of time, there needs to be a discussion with your homegyrls about what the rules are NOW.  So the two a.m. to rag on her boo is no longer acceptable.  The conversation about which tie with which suit is now a girlfriend question.  And here's the shocker--they should meet each other.

5.  Sex with the EX.   You're smart there's not a whole lot of explaining that needs to go with this little bullet.  Might I suggest that she really isn't your EX until you stop sleeping with her?

Well, there you have it.  The only thing that I would add is to be honest.  Be honest about the vibe she is  giving you and be honest with your feelings about it and the space that you are in.  Love with passion and get it done.

The Take-Away Lessons From The Tiger Woods Scandal

     So, I have no idea about what the body count is at this point--and care very little.  The thing is that Tiger Woods and his situation are only remarkable, because he's Tiger Woods.  Women everywhere everyday are making the same discoveries about the loves of their life.  I have no interest in Tiger or Elin or even where they go from here.

     I am more interested in the lessons that all of us can take away from this fiasco--aside from the obvious.  I don't make any judgments, just observations.  In fact, I have several. 

Money does not soften the hurt and anguish of a cheating partner.  If anything, it probably makes it worse.  Imagine having your most humiliating moments be the lead on every network and internet site in the free world.  One of the main reasons why people are able to regroup from personal tragedies is because they are personal.  We are able to get support from friends and people in our circle to pick up the pieces and start fresh--however that may look.

Whether or not to stay or go should not be decided in the moment.  When there is trouble in a relationship, there needs to be a "pullback" moment.  It's the equivalent of taking a time out before you go for 4th and goal in football.  There needs to be a discussion with clear heads and hearts because whatever comes next--good, bad, or indifferent--will be HUGE.

Family can hurt more than help in this situation. Let's be honest.  When the gyrls get together, we will generally vote for "leave his trifling ass" on general principle.  It's never that easy.  Whether to leave or stay comes down to what is best for you emotionally.  Friends who really are, will support you no matter what.

I think only the scope of the cheating is a surprise.  I'm finding it a little hard to believe that Elin had no idea that her husband had a wandering eye and a penis to match.  The sense of entitlement associated with the sheer amount of women, leads me to believe that there is some sort of addiction.  Generally, addicts suck at hiding there addictions.  Unless you live under a rock, there's no way, even with handlers, you could hide the number of sex junkets.  Behaviors of this magnitude don't just pop up.

    So, those are just a couple of observations.  At the end of the day, whatever happens will make the evening news.  I thinks it's fortunate that their children are young so the scarring will be mimimal.  I think that the whole situation could have been avoided with some honesty.  A billion dollar atlete with a penis?  Let's be real.  Love means different things to different people and I would suspect there is a money aspect to it as well.  As women, we tolerate lots of things for the sake of the relationship or our illusion about what the relationship is or can be.  What would you tolerate for the love of your billion dollar spouse?  Think about it and get it done.