The Case for Why "Cougars" Really Aren't or "Maybe But that's the Wrong Cat..."

The earliest known reference to "cougars" being anything but cats probably dates back to 1999 and a Canadian website where "women of a certain age" could meet younger men. Now most of the references I heard about "cougars" are derrogatory. "Cougar" is defined as a woman who frequently seeks companionshp with men that are significantly her junior. Most people use the ten years or more rule.

So let me point out some differences between cougars, as in the cat and cougars as in the women. The cat is predatory. It will lie in wait for a particular piece of prey. Please note that the term prey implies an implicit, preexisting imbalance of power. Cougars the cat are not discriminatory about their prey. Meat is meat. Women are very discriminatory about their men.

The "cat chick" would not be attracted to this type of hunter/prey dynamic. Despite what people suggest, women like their men strong. What attracts a woman to a man is, for the most part universal across age types. Women are attracted by confidence, looks, attitude and generally like to feel some type of connection with someone they have an interest in or feelings for. The cat has no such connection to its prey. If anything, the male object of a "Cat chick's" attention has a slight advantage, primarily due to the fact that they are the object of interest.

The reality is that cat prey has no such advantage. Most women, want a man that they can build with with, even if that building is limited to what can be erected in a single night while "asleep" in bed. Cougars, do not partner with their prey. Cat chicks are thrilled to partner with the objects of their interest.

The last and final thing I will say about "cat chicks" is that in one area they are much like cougars. They are fiercely protective of their partners, as many women are of their men. So, there you have it. Women that date younger men may be cats, but they really aren't cougars. Are you a cat person?

"Extra" Credit

So, my almost four year old now goes to "Big Boy School". He loves it and I think I do too. In additional to a quality education on a limited income, it provides me an opportunity to observe--not only others but myself. One thing that I have observed immediately is that my son's dad has turned out to be exactly the opposite of the dad he promised to be. Very early on in the pregnancy he made it clear that he wasn't taking a seat of the parenting train. Scare tactic? Don't know to this day but I can tell you that as a single parent two times over--he would've needed to bring his A game on a threat--that was a D at best. For my observation about me, I'd have to say that I was a little resistant to the change even though I initiated it and then had the nerve to have second thoughts about it. Shameful really.

I am a firm believer in credit where credit is due. Now I am going to stay focused on the positive and say only that if he applied his current connectedness to his son to a relationship partner he would be like the best catch ever or at least a decent size fish. Because he would drop the baby at the sitter, I really had no idea of the sort of secret bonding that was going on around me. I bore witness to this by accident over of all things an oil change. It seems that the fellas go for these on a regular basis, together, while I am working. Just so happened that I went along and I have to say, I was definitely the outsider. Evidently, there is pomp and ceremony around this process that includes a " 'Hey there buddy' " from the oil change people, followed by Doritos and a car wash that is watched behind a glass and finally a greeting from the air freshener lady who noted that he came with an "extra" person. I can only assume it was me because never did she look up from my son's gaze.

I didn't like being the "extra" person and because most of my friends are male and not necessarily with the mothers of their children I was immediately curious about whether or not this ever happened to them. I was saddened to find that while I experienced this as an incident, that many of them live in this space--albeit for different reasons. Several of them just accept the exclusion as the price for leaving. Several others are proactive and strive towards inclusion, and then there is my friend, let's call him *Cory. "Cory" has lived this and its left scars. So much so, that he has bullied his ex into believing that there better not be anything that he doesn't know about his boys.

For her part, she sees approval for everything at every turn which he claims is an irritant. I'm keeping my money, I don't buy it. The reality is that parenting with someone, where the only thing you have in common is your child is difficult at best.

For my part, being "extra" has made me a little more mindful of my approach. I won't be fully inclusive until he gets that boundaries are not to step on, kick over or walk through, and any effort to do so just makes me want to make the boundary that much taller, deeper and thicker. In the interest of my son, however, I fire shots across the bow before I train the missile. We can always do better if we remember the rush of love we felt the very first time unfocused eyes looked up at us and stole our hearts.

Happy Habitrails

So, if you are of a certain age then you will remember these little wheels inside cages that were designed to provide pet rodents with hours of entertainment and exercise so as not to remind them that they were in fact pet rodents. I never owned a pet rodent or understood the appeal of doing so, but evidently a lot of my peers did.

In my adulthood, I ponder the whole Habitrail penomenon in a totally different light. I have often wondered if those little rodents realized they were just little rodents? More importantly, the Habitrail is a metaphor for so many different things in the life of many people--if they are willing to admit it. So, how many times have we run endlessly in a circle, believing that we were moving towards something? Now, if you have never done this, then congratulations because you are out ahead of many of your comtemporaries.

I will only speak for myself, and of things I know. I have had Habitrail runs in almost every area of my life but they have probably been the most profound in the area of relationships and money. For the relationship part, I have stayed too long, left too soon, tried too hard and not tried hard enough. The reality is, that once I decided that my happiness and joy was my responsibility, I was far more clear on where I should and shouldn't be. I am single now, and not especially happy about it but I believe that the universe centers us in spite of ourselves. I write my singleness off as that and at some point I will be blissfully happy. This is not to say that I am unhappy, I just believe that there is a different level of happiness that is achieved when you connect with another human being on that level where you just "get each other."

As far as money goes, it hates me and I need it. My relationship with money has run the gamut from totally functional to slave and master, master and slave and currently tenuous partners with money giving less than it needs to. The reality is, that I am less traumatized about my "me and money" relationship because frankly, I got a nation full of company. At this point, I know that barring a LOTTO win, I am just sort of where I'm gonna be with money. I have one son in college, a daughter that's going, and another son in preschool. I am doing my best and hoping that it's good enough.

I consider myself fortunate. There are so many people that don't even realize they are on the wheel, at least I'm fortunate enough to get off. How about you?

The Repoductive Rainbow or "How Old Are Your Kids Again?"

So if you have a pulse then you are probably aware of the fact that I have three children. I love them deeply. They are versatile. They can be angelic in one moment and the spawn of Satan in the next. I have a son in college, a daughter on the way to college--and I'm shopping for a quality preschool for my youngest. This is the part where people generally gasp and say things like "Wow, why'd you go back?" or "Surprise baby?" or "Oooh wow." 19, 17, and just about 4. I'm getting my mom on.

Now, I'll be the first to admit learning that I was pregnant was slightly--well--traumatic may be too strong but it's close enough to count as accurate. I actually just counted it as an "oh well, gotta shift gears" type of thing. It wasn't until the"Guess What" conversation that I even had an inkling that I had a "sit-cha-a-shen". Let me be unabashedly honest and say that it wasnt until my first prenatal appointment when I whispered to the nurse why I was there, that I realized that I had some embarrassment about expecting with teenagers at home. Their reaction will be the subject of a separate post.

I can say with certainty, that the last time I had such a profound spell of personal growth, was when I became a single mom via separation and divorce. It isn't lost on me that on two separate occasions the birth of a child was the birth of a new me. If my kids never smiled, waved, hugged or kissed me again, this alone would be special enough to last me a lifetime. As part of my growth, I had to wonder why I grew most when forced to grow as opposed to growing just because. At some point, I invested more in the growing than in the why of it all.

I love being a mom. I love being a mom to my particular children. Parenting on the rainbow provides me with an opportunity to enjoy, remember, appreciate and look forward to the many things that children can and will do. For my part, being brutally honest, each of my kids has had a different mom. With my first child, I tried to read every parenting book on the planet. Useless. It was strictly on-the-job training. With my daughter, I had the ability to begin to fine tune my parenting repertoire.

Waiting a decade to have another child led to the realization that the game done changed. Parenting is almost passe'. Many kids learn early on, that if they just wait out the stressed out grown up that they can write their own ticket. My youngest gets away with way more than the other kids did and they remind me every chance they get. This has more to do with having grown enough to choose battles more carefully and frankly the devil is in the details.

I owe all of my children different things for different reasons but what matters most is that I have three opportunities to create prouctive citizens. I hope for them more than anything that they realize the importance of personal growth and develop a solid belief that they are of positive energy and that this will motivate them to be a force for good on whatever level they can, whether it be finding a cure for something or finding a way to reach another human being.

I also appreciate the value and joy in seeing a boy become a man, a girl become a woman and an infant become a preschooler. It's ironic that I now go to birthday parties with my son for for the children of the children I used to hold and babysit for. It reminds me every day that my life is so rich and that I am well loved and well blessed. Being unabashedly honest, there are days when I forget to thank the universe for this.

Lately, I have been lamenting my single status or my "partnerlessness". Truth of the matter is I am fortunate to have a life that is full of people that love me and have helped me grow. I am constantly in the crunch about time and money. I have learned that the richness of you is never found in your wallet and I wish everybody would catch on. I am gazillionaire and I hope to share the wealth for many years to come. Peace.

Random Realizations and Observations From A Day Out and About

So, from time to time I muse and ponder. Not necessarily about world changing events or ideas but just average everyday stuff. I am prone to do this from time to time--I will pause here to note that my ex believed that this was done just to piss him off but at times he found it endearing. See, I'm off to a totally random start. Please note these thoughts are in no particular order.

I qualify as a "supercommuter". According to AAA, I have earned this title because I travel more than 50 miles one way to get to work. I drive so I get alot of opportunities to observe behaviors. I understand multi-tasking but I am amazed at how much OTHER stuff people are doing in addition to driving. To the driving public:

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  Please avoid the left lane if you are unwilling to travel 10 miles above the speed limit.


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  If you own a BMW, Mercedes or Porsche it's OK to hit the pedal to the right of the brake. The engine will not fall out and the car Gods will not take it personally.


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  You should not be doing anything more difficult than switching radio stations while you are driving. Shaving and eating a four course meal defy the limits of good sense.


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  Please do not try that road rage ish with me cuz I'm not the one.

So, enough about driving. Let's shift gears. No pun intended, right hand high. One thing that I have come to realize is that the world--well at least Orange County--is populated by two groups of people: those who wish to connect and those who don't. For the most part, the two groups are like the Dani tribe--they take their victories one at a time. The Connectors will make eye contact and smile at children. The Leave Me Alones will never make eye contact, and will try to avoid the appearance that they are remotely interested in your presence. I am evil and twisted so I purposely try to use my Connector skills on Leave Me Alones every chance I get. Twisted I know.

I was in that bastion of evildoing--Wal-Mart. Parents are damn glad their kids are heading back to school and if the kids are savvy enough, they can name their price. My final observation is also Wal-Mart related. I overheard two Hasidic women speaking in english , which is itself rare, and they were discussing how unclean the store was, while their children were riding bikes down the aisles and stealing candy. Stones and glass people. Stones and glass.

The Whole Maia Campbell Thing...

...Is beyond sad to me--on several different levels. I guess it is saddest because on any given day there are a thousand stories like this that go totally unnoticed. I haven't decided yet whether the happening is more sad than the unnoticing. After saying that I would not watch the video, I watched it anyway. Should have stuck to my guns.

I think that everybody battles whatever demons they have in regular ways every day. It is just part of the lifestruggle. For Maia and the tens of thousands like her, the demons become bigger than the tools, will or need to battle them. Clearly she has a lot of things going on. Now, being the progeny of someone famous is difficult on its own. Throw in rumors of drug addiction, mental illness and sexual proclivities and what you end up with is a lost child caught on video tape.

I am curious about where here support is. Where's dad? Where are her "In the House" co-stars? I'm not suggesting that they act like parents but clearly part of her issue is that she's alone in whatever is happening to her. She has the resources and the name to move past her crisis with some solid choices. For the rest of the people caught in throes of mental illness, prostitution, and drug usage there is no video that may lead to intervention.

No one is rushing to sign up to be their brother's keeper, but ask yourself: "Who would keep me, if I needed to be kept?"

Give it some thought and get it done.

Stonehenge, Crop Circles And Relationships or Three Great Mysteries of Life

Let me just say that I have no real interest in pondering Stonehenge. Crop circles are either aliens paying a visit or some dude with an engineering degree and a board tried to a string. Makes no real difference to me. That being said, let's move right into the relationship/dating connundrum.

I am by no means an expert on relationships. I have been married and divorced. I fall into the category of serial monogamy. I am currently single and my last foray into the relationship forest was--well--eventful. I place this disclaimer primarily because I am going to say some things that will make some say, "That's why that heffa is single..." and still others will say, "Wow, real talk, true ish". I'm down for you and I got your back no matter where you come down. That being said, here I go:

I am a firm believer in love. I am also a realist. Only children and exceptional individuals love without conditions. Most people love and expect that they will be loved back. How many people have started a conversation with something like, "If you love me you would or wouldn't do this or that..."? While I love love, love to be in love, love people who can love and love a good love story, I am a realist. I am a firm believer that people love in context. When I was in elementary school we had these "unit" books. They had titles like "Getting the Facts", "Learning the Sequence", and my favorite "Understanding the Context." Useless. Until real life. Understanding the Context, if effective, basically helped you to understand the background to what you were reading without having to do the research. It fostered the development of inference.

In matters of the heart, there should be zero tolerance on inference. Inference is too subjective and leads quickly to assumptions. But I digress. Loving in context means, that people love as best they can, based on what they live, have lived through or want to live. As if all of that is not enough, throw in a heaping helping of competing agendas. Let me be clear, agendas are not necessarily bad. It simply means that each person has a list of things they intend to "cover" in the relationship--much in the same way that an agenda is used in a meeting. The problem is that frequently the real agenda is not on paper. On top of that, throw in just the general differences between men and women and what they hope to gain and be in and from the relationship. Someone once said that women meet men and hope to change them and men meet women and hope they never change. The odds are stacking up already.

For my brothers, BE HONEST. If you only want to holla at the cat, then claim it. Maybe she is only looking for a cat whisperer. This would eliminate the ugliness I see repeatedly in malls and in other public places. She wouldn't need to roll up on you if you told her that she was box 1 of 3. There might be some discussion about why she is better than the other boxes but you have eliminated the roll-up factor. In addition to practicing honesty, practice listening and caring. We realize that you had a long day too. We are just trying to figure out if you love us enough--yep, we measure and test--to put us first and hear our concerns and fears.

For my sisters, BE HONEST and Respectful. No man wants to feel like he is lessened or belittled, especially at the hands or mouth of his partner. Believe if you know what he's not doing, he does too. No reminders are necessary. Men are visual. Every now and then, you might try wearing an outfit like the one that "man stealing ho with the new do" is wearing because he will sneak a peek if possible. Most importantly for sisters, don't use the cat as a bargaining chip. You might be in for more than you bargained for.

At the end of the day, if you love the way you would want to be loved then half the battle is won. Live and love your best. Get it done...

Whoppers And Big Macs

Let me start off by saying that this in no way, shape or form has anything to do with hamburger. For many people the open of a new year and close of the old one is the only opportunity that many of us take for introspection. I can speculate, but that's not my point."Whoppers" are not the lies people tell us , but rather the ones we tell ourselves. Many times, we don't lie to ourselves intentionally. We just omit the facts. The omission, I am convinced, is not intentional but instinctive. There are some things that hurt so much, we don't want to see them. It may be a child's poor behavior, or the cheating ways of a partner or the fact that something that we think we can control, controls us. What ever the WHOPPER, the new year provides us with the opportunity to look and dig deep. I have done it and I'm doing it again because I feel that if I stop then I limit my potential.MACs are "Moments of Absolute Clarity". These are the times, events and people that force us to act. Whether we want to or not. These are the slap in the face moments, that move us to action. Like a new year where we decide that we can't live it the way we lived the old one. I have had more MACS than I would like to admit and some whoppers too.For the New year, I wish everyone the courage to cope as best you can, and to know when MACS and Whoppers are on your plate.

"I Want To Give A Shout-out..."

...To Ib'n and Akua. Both of you, within days of each other, said the very same thing. "You should blog." So here I am. I have no idea how it will turn out or what it will turn up. Being who I am, I'm just gonna take the ride and hope I get some good company on the way. So, my very first blog is dedicated to two people, totally unconnected other than the fact that they know me. Y'all started this but I won't hold you guys on how it turns out. So welcome to my blog and let's get it done...