Ten Things You Need To Know Before You Go To A Hospital...

    Greetings good people.  So, before I get rolling on this post I need to basically disclaim the hell out of it.  First, this applies to no specific hospital and is not intended to do so.  Secondly, this is primarily limited to personal knowledge and experiential anecdote.  Thirdly, since I have had the good fortune to be relatively healthy and not have seek care out of state, by knowledge is based in the Northeastern United States.  Last and final disclaimer--"this information is not intended to treat, diagnose or resolve any medical issue."   Please note that these items are in no particular order. That being said, let's get it:

     

     1.  DO NOT LIE ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.  Many medications, especially those for pain are dosed by weight.  That ten pounds you knock off could make a difference.

    2.  There is a difference between "treatment" and "care".  While the public may use these interchangeably they are different.  While they may date they are two different animals.  "Treatment" has to do what tools are at the disposal of the physician, nurse or other medical team member to resolve, fix or stabilize your condition.  "Care" has to do with the administration of the previously mentioned "treatment."  You are entitled to "stabilizing treatment" in the state of New York without regard to whether or not you are insured.

    3.  Know these key terms associated with an emergency visit or hospitalization.  "BIBEMS"- is BROUGHT IN BY EMS.  NPO IS LATIN FOR NIL PER OS. (literally, nothing by mouth)  THAT MEANS YOU CAN'T EAT ANYTHING. Also understand that two, three, and four times a day is different than every twelve, every eight and every six hours. 

   4.  Insist that all staff identify themselves by name and department or service.  While there might be 11 doctors named "Lisa". There are not 11 "Lisa's" on the Endocrine service.  This is to help you keep track of your care and to clearly identify if you get conflicting messages.  For example, one person can say you can eat while the surgeon will not hear of it. This leads into number 4 quite nicely...

   5.  Don't assume that the doctors are talking to each other at the very beginning.  While you may see four different doctors, if they are responsible for different things they may not necessarily sit down until AFTER your treatment starts or when your aftercare starts.  Also, note that your

    6. Under no circumstances, where ever possible, should you go to the emergency room alone.  Sometimes a visit to the E.R. may require advocacy.  You may need someone else to inform the nurse that you are feeling worse than when you arrived.  How well or poorly you are doing can change where you are in the treatment queue.

    7.  Doctors travel in packs.  This is to a patient's benefit.  this way you will only be disturbed, mangled or annoyed once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  Generally, when doctors come to your bedside very early it is because they are handing you over to the next shift.  

     8.  Unless you are a patient, do not use the bathroom in the Emergency Room.  I am going to just ask that you trust and believe me on this without additional elaboration.

    9.  They are not ignoring your pain.  Hospitals in New York must assess your pain when you present for triage.  If they medicate your pain immediately, they may be unable to tell whether or not you are worsening in symptoms.  Where you have pain, what type of pain it is (radiating, stabbing, dull) and how severe are often good indicators of what is wrong with you.  They can't deaden your pain without knowing for sure what is causing it.

    10.  Do not avoiding seeking medical attention because you have no money or are not a citizen.  All hospitals have sliding scale payment plans and city hospitals have special programs for uninsured persons.  In most cases, if your require admittance the hospital fills out the paperwork for you because they want to get paid.

    While this is by no means a be all and end all list for consumers and readers it is a solid start.  Post any additional comments or concerns you may have in the comments section or feel free to inbox me.

What Sandy Taught Me...

    So, nearly a week after the worst storm I have ever lived through, my city is still picking up the pieces.  There are parts of my city that will be picking up the pieces for a long time and the emotional pieces forever.  I have learned a lot about the people around me and even more about myself.  Sandy barreled her way across the Northeast and left 115 people dead, billions in property damaged and countless lives affected.  Everyone will take away something different.  I need to write it down so I can get it out.

1. Storm tracking software has gotten a lot better.  In the early days of storm tracking models were off... way off.  The software has gotten better and so have the people using it.  Chances are more likely that the track being forecast is relatively accurate.
2. Other people panicking can be contagious.  So, on the Friday before the storm I went out to go food shopping.  It was my regular shopping day and time.  I do the middle of the night because it is easier and usually more well stocked than Saturday morning.  My first clue was the number of cars in the parking lot.  My third-space-in spot that I had grown accustomed to ended up being a rolling troll for someone coming out.  I found a space only to find that milk, eggs and bread were flying off the shelves.  At this point, I started to feel a little antsy and the nail in the coffin of panic was the lady in the overcoat passing out pamphlets proclaiming the "End of Days."
3. Your kids, no matter what age, think you are crazy.  My eldest son told me I was a "Doomsday Prepper."   The youngest simply wanted to remind me to bring cereal and Teddy Grahams.   Then I got street cred when the Governor started closing bridges.  I was glad he decided to ride out the storm with me and his little brother.  
4. Storms will bring out the best and worst in people.  Donating time, food, and money.  Price gouging, gas lines and meanness.  So, we all saw the destruction in Seaside Heights and Breezy Point and Far Rockaway.  We saw people mobilizing to help and and we saw people looting.  We saw stories of courage and we saw zealots say that it was the wrath of God.  I prefer to think it was a live re-enactment of the story of the Good Samaritan.  
5. People will no longer laugh when I call and say get cash and gasoline.  This is my typical phone call before any impending emergency.  I think it is important to be able to drive away and have money to go somewhere else.  
6. I cooked away my nerves.  So, I think my crew gained five pounds because I cooked and cooked and cooked.  It was therapeutic.
7. Get out when they say get out.  I think this goes without saying.  Some people have no place to leave to, be a neighbor and share if you can.  People don't leave because of all the false alarms in the past.  It is a new day.  The tech is better and faster.  Get out if they tell you to.  It may save your life.
8. Many of my Facebook friends are really good peoples.  The support and caring, the "east-coast-people-hit-me-up statuses, the come charge your phone statuses were all appreciated.  

    The final and most important thing that I learned is something I knew already but had to pause to remember.  My life is good.  I have a family.  I am loved.  I have some "things."  At the end of any day, it is good to be able to say that and have it be true.

A Word on Mothers' Day

  Let me start with the typical and much deserved Happy Mothers' Day.  I am very fortunate in that every day is mothers day for me.  I have children that tell me they love me on a regular basis.  So on this Mothers' Day I have come to grips with a simple fact.  My children have become exactly what I have been raising them to be all these years;  independent, free thinking compassionate people.  So, the free thinkers made other plans.  It is perhaps one of those sad but happy moments when you realize that you've taught something so well that you are not needed to reinforce the lesson. 

    It is a good although sad space to be in.  I am one for three on children this year.   I spent my day with the little guy.  It was quiet and loving and it made me miss the raucousness of Mothers' Days gone by.  So, on this Mothers' Day let's pause to think of all the women who are spending their first holiday as moms, without their moms expecting to be moms and a special shout out to women who do mom things for other people's children. So, by now your food is settling and you are prepping for another week.  Pat yourself on the back if you have ever nurtured a person or an idea. 

    Thank you to all the people who have loved, supported and nurtured me.  I won't name you individually because I may miss someone.  Happy Mothers' Day.

Lean Right or "Please Step Away From My Uterus..."

  I will make a solid effort to keep this from becoming a full on rant but if it slips into that please forgive me. At this point, the issue is no longer abortion or reproductive rights.  The nation that we live in is trying to take a giant step to the right--the right wing.  Now, I've posted about here the whole post-racial thing.  We are slipping off the effing cliff here people.  Rich people are claiming that the rest of the population is waging class warfare.   All while they are trying to bust unions, suppress the vote and show general disdain and disrespect for the Office of the President, in large part because it is occupied by a man of color.  

    In the midst of all of that, Republicans turned an employment issue into a religious issue while trying to do the very same thing they accused the President of--forcing his political will on the masses.  So, you have a hearing on Capitol Hill about contraception and you don't allow anyone with a uterus and a brain to speak?  Really?  So, Catholic institutions shouldn't have to pay for contraception?  Seventh-Day Adventists have to offer patients meat and Jehovah's Witnesses can not exclude blood transfusions from covered medical expenses.  Some institutions were already covering it under their respective policies, most Catholics use it anyway and quietly stand against the Church's policy.  

   To further throw salt in the gender wound, enter stage left the state of Virginia.  Let me pause here to say that this especially hits me close because that is the state I have entrusted my daughter to.  Please don't make me come the hell down there.  They wanted to require every woman seeking an abortion to to take a trans-vaginal ultrasound.  This is the tool they use to perform them.  As a woman that has had one in the past, let me remove all doubt--THEY ARE INVASIVE.  Not the kind ot "tool" you want in your vajayjay.  I had several of these during my pregnancies and the tool coupled with positioning is very invasive.  I am still trying to figure out the ultra-conservative right can be against birth control, abortion and single mothers all at the same time.  If you allow women access to birth control it reduces the likelihood that they will need abortions or become single parents.  It took me a minute to reason that out so what can't the Republican presidential field?  
     The saddest part of this entire shift away from reproductive rights is the fact that it only further marginalizes people who were marginalized to begin with.  Thank you to every legislator--with cahones and without--that have stood up to protect women across the nation.  
       As a woman, you need to be figuring out how to get in this fight before it isn't a fight anymore.  Back in the day we used to say "Protect Ya Neck" now it's "Protect ya Womb.  Scary.

Doomsday Preppers

    I tell you, burning the wee-hours-of-the-morning-oil has some unique and previously hidden experiences.  For all I know this show comes on in prime time. Let me be honest, initially I thought "Great, some backwoods mofos with money playing survivalist."  Then several things occurred to me and I ended up here to tell you about them.  

    I fault no one for their choice of lifestyle.  There are many things that we do that other people look at with incredulity.  At first blush, I dismissed the whole concept--and for the most part I still do.  In many ways, the whole movement makes me sad.  As a parent, I will fiercely protect my children.  I mean like Taken style protect my kids.  I mean Ashley Judd Missing style protect my kids.  That being said, I'm not sure if training them to believe that some catastrophic event will befall them and then have them live in preparation for it, qualifies as protection.  How do they form solid bonds with others if they believe that the end is coming and everyone is the enemy?

    I also had to gut check myself and wonder what if they are absolutely right?  Then I thought about the hording behavior and the obsession and it occurred to me, that the ends don't really justify the means.  I love the capitalistic nature of enterprising individuals.  There is an entire market of stuff dedicated to these folks.  Bunkers, booby traps, guns, EM pulse protectors, MRE rations.  All kinds of shit.  It's actually amazing when you think about it.  What happens when you discover that you've spent all your money on an underground bunker and in order to survive you have to stay above ground?  

    The take away for me is that I don't think I am an "End Of Days" kinda girl.  I have no real interest in waiting out a nuclear winter or living post EM pulse--my phone and tech would be useless.  How would I blog?  If you have a year's worth of food in your garage then I hope you share when the time comes.  Get it done.

Life in an Allegedly Post Racial America or "Why You Mad For Though?..."

    So, when I started this blog I indicated that it would be subject to random musing.  Well, it's a random musing kind of day.  Let me start with the disclaimer.  This is just how I feel.  I do not purport to speak for anyone other than myself.  So, that being said...leggo...

   "Post Racial America" is a liberal guy's wet dream and a reactionary's nightmare.  I live here and I can tell you it isn't post-racial at all. I would actually suggest that with an African American POTUS that things are more racial than ever.  I am secretly enjoying watching the person reading over my shoulder cringe with disdain.  Well, not so secret anymore.  Here in the supposedly post racial belly of the beast--Harlem--I am painfully aware of the shifts, changes and growing pains.  

   

     Start with the fact that I am sitting in a Starbucks that up until two years ago was a vacant, undeveloped patch of dirt, enjoying a Breve Mistto.  My shameless treat to myself on the one day a month I arrive in the city four hours before I need to because the kid needs an education. Now, I am not sure what purpose Starbucks serves in other communities.  I know here in Harlem it is more like a community hub than anything else.  People bring their coffee and buy cake in an effort to satisfy the cultural conditioning that you can't sit some place where you didn't buy anything.  Prior to Magic Johnson, Starbucks was notorious for avoiding communities of color.  In many ways, it was the floodgate.  Following them was Bank of America, MAC, Chase and Aerosoles just to name a few.

    That's a  grassroots look.  On a broader national scale we post the articles highlighting this "racially insensitive" or that flat out bigoted statement.  I think my surprise is about the fact that people are still surprised that a portion of the nation still hates me because of my skin.  And why shouldn't they?  Newt Gingrich tells them that I have no role models and live on food stamps.  Anne Coulter tells them that "their blacks are better."  Sean Hannity tells them that the President that looks like me is an "appeaser" and on top of all that Rush Limbaugh says that the nation should fail.  So, if I didn't have a healthy sense of self -esteem or if I believed every drug addicted racist with a media outlet I would be fucked.  

    My grandfather--God rest his soul--used to say "Never be mad when people tell you who they are up front..."  Could not have possibly gotten more sage advice from anyone.  We have a political party that has moved so far to the right that even its base is wondering "WTF?"  We have had senators and congressman say all kinds of outrageous stuff about and to the President.  There is a subconscious portion of the Caucasian psyche--in some--that believes that he is somehow undeserving of the post he was elected to.  Please note that he was elected by the nation not solely by minorities.

  Be grateful that you are painfully aware of who is influencing minds and winning hearts.  The likely nominee for the Republican nomination is a man who put his dog on the roof of a van and offered to place a $10,000 bet.  When was the last time you bet 1o large on ANYTHING?  Shoot, when was the last time you had 10 large period?  The very same gentleman who said he wasn't concerned about the poor and was a staunch opponent of the auto industry bailout, and simply can't be human enough to say "Wow, I was wrong about that." ?  Scary. 

    Pay attention people.  You are in on the ground floor of the human rights rollback.  Voter suppression is at an all time high.  Reactionary talk radio is at an all time high.  Newt Gingrich says your 10 year old should sweep the school in tribute for his education.  Mitt Romney believes that we should be looking for engineering talent abroad while he fails to fund talented students here at home.  Rick Santorum stated that he is not opposed to racial profiling.  Rich people are complaining about class warfare.  Enough already, my ears are bleeding.

   If you aren't thinking about what to do to combat the coming wave of anti-everything-but-me then you have cahones like bowling balls and good luck to you.  For those of us who are more real world based, we need to start planning.  The revolution will not be televised--maybe tweeted--or posted--but not televised.  Get it done.

   

The Case for Workplace Cooperation or "You Don't REALLY Have to Be That Bitch"

     As the economy continues to change so does business.  As I proceed, I do realize that there are some people who work in a Corporate Utopia and will not be able to relate to what I am talking about.  As I get older, I do a lot of thinking about my path and how the path I planned wasn't necessarily the one I walked.  There are days when this bit of wondering consumes me and other days where it matters not at all.  As I observe the world around me I acknowledge several things.

     I observe often.  I assess a lot.  I muse with impunity.  I piss people off sometimes because I tend to do these things openly, without remorse.  The fact of the matter is that I have always believed that where work and women intersect can be one of the most dangerous and difficult places to navigate.  I have lived to survive it thus far.Let me pause here to say that I am a woman in the workplace.  While my journey wasn't the one I expected--it has been interesting. 

      I have a lot of respect for how men move with each other in the workplace--and I will come back to this in a moment.  It may be as complex as a double helix or as simple as warm apple pie.  This is not a comparison or "who's-better-us-or-them" piece.  As an African American woman in the workplace I think we would benefit from supporting each other in the workplace.  We hear that "Girls Rule the World" and "Black Girls Rock".  Girls will rule your future and black girls will rock your knot if they believe you are interfering with their road to the corporate tower of light.

    As much as women have better choices and less sacrifice than they did even fifteen or twenty years ago they have the same choices and the same sacrifices.  Women still face the baby now or wait dilemma.  We still have the not-paid-as-much-as-men issue although the gap has closed slightly. 

    So, why do we chew each other up and spit each other out?  I'm sure that the reasons vary as much as the people who have them.  Everything from undiagnosed psychiatric illnesses to trust issues to family pedigree. I have always been of the mind that content people are more productive.  Sometimes it is a vague as "I just don't like her..." or as specific as some perceived or actual wrong in the past.  Why does it all matter anyway?

    The Corporate workplace is changing.  The job market is ever evolving as are the people seeking jobs.  In this day and age the person you cross today could be the person you are interviewing with tomorrow.  It is always better to build bridges than to burn them?  Something to think about.

"Wow, It's Loud In Here Too?!?!..."

    I was in a public library the other day.  I went during my lunch hour to get a little something done and to have a moment of peace and quiet.  So, pray tell, imagine my surprise when I entered the library and found that it was louder than my beloved spot where they married two pleasures of mine--coffee and books.  Un freaking real.  When did we become so loud?

    It has been bugging me as to how the Library changed, and more importantly, how did I miss it?  With the advent of technology like iPads, headphones and laptops we no longer feel the need to be concerned about what's happening around us or how loud we are because somehow we can be as loud as we want to be since it's self contained.  Well, if you wasted a minute believing that let me be the first to tell you that it's a crock of caca.  First of all, not everybody spends the money for Bose or Dr. Dre Beats.  I walked and heard a plethora of everything from Bach to Bitches.  Even the desk people were loud.  Clearly I was disappointed enough since I am blogging about it.

    So, for those of you who are reading and about to suggest that it must have been a random incident at a single library--I checked.  I visited the city libraries and found roughly the same thing at each.  I will give a shout out to the security officer at Countee Cullen branch who directed to a "less loud" portion of the library.  I have concluded that people value what I call "quiet pauses" less and less.  Maybe they don't look for them in public places.  Maybe that's why yoga is a billion dollar a year industry.  Shhhhh.

"The Best Things In Life Are Free..."

...Or at least you don't pay for them with money.  I have not been blogging as I promised myself I would do more readily and more consistently.  Part of the problem was that I didn't really think I had anything to say.  As it turns out,  I probably had more to say than I thought.

    Whether you are devoutly religious or unabashedly atheist, I think that we can all agree that there are moments in life that we can characterize as nothing less than amazing.  I don't know how many of these moments you are allowed to have in your life, but I feel fortunate because I think I have had more than most.  I can count among my gifts;  three healthy children, employment and a network of friends and family that would say they love me if you asked.  Pretty damn good I would say.

    I have spent a lot of time this year lamenting about "my situation."  As I sit and have a really honest conversation with myself, I have concluded that the term "my situation" is a euphemism for not being where I want to be in my life.  This is an empowering tidbit.  It has allowed me to wrest control from the "they don't want me to..." camp and put it in the "I am am going to" camp.  This is not to suggest that there are not people who don't want to see someone do well but the best thing that you can do for them is to be exactly what they say you aren't.  It pisses them off lovely.

    I had a chance to spend some time with my family for the holidays.  It occurred to me that the very moment that I live for may be the moment of someone else's dread.  That made me sad and thankful at the same time. The reality is that there are people who you shouldn't spend time with.  They steal joy from your moments.  Some intentionally, some not but the result is the same.  So, I leave you with two thoughts:  Don't be so caught up in the bigness of life that you forget that it is made up of little moments and make sure that everyone on your team is playing for the win.  Claim it and get it done.

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"Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil..."

...is something I say at least once a week.  Generally, I say it to others as a joke.  The reality is that I could probably stand to look inward and do the same thing.  So, I am fresh off of a hellacious day at my job.  The reality is that I have told the truth and shamed the devil--to myself. 

     Everybody's truth is different and your own personal truth can change everyday.  The real talk for me is that I hate my job.  I have been dancing around this for a minute.  I am a fancy clerk.  Nothing wrong with being a clerk if that is what it says on your ID.  It ain't what it says on mine.  My other truth is that I am sensitive.  Something I am trying to work on.  Even though I am sensitive, I still can tell when someone is inappropriate. 

   

    The "tell the truth" for me is that I do not like being a woman in the workplace.  I do not like how other women behave in the workplace.  I am exhausted by dealing with "girl shit."  I am no angel and I have girlshit too--but I at least try to hang on to mine.

     The workplace appears to be where people's issues meet their actions and expressions.  I need to get off my arse and get moving on turning my dreams into reality.  So, to all you ranters, ragers, haters and naysayers--THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.  You got a chick moving.

   

The Relationship Recession

     So, the nation's credit rating has been downgraded.  There's plenty of blame to go around and that will likely be the subject of another post.  My grandparents used to say that "faith is easy to have when things are good..." and I believe this to be absolutely true.  As life would have it, that's eactly when you don't really need it.

     There was a time in my life when I profoundly believed that all you needed to sustain a relationship was love and mutual respect.  While I believe in both of them whole-heartedly, the reality is that the two of them alone won't get the job done.  The fact of the matter is that there are too many things at play working against the likelihood of a positive outcome.  Financially, life has been tough for a large portion of the people in the nation.  In all honesty, as a person with three kids and one income, I have always been recessed.  The recession hit upper middle and middle middle class a lot harder than it hit the rest of us.  I think I have a better toolkit than most.

    The recession has moved to relationships as well--but not in the obvious way.  Let me point out from this point moving forward that I am speaking with regard to my little circle of 40 somethings.  Each person is an individual in their own right so if you don't see yourself in this then read for informational purposes only.

    The watermark is higher.  In the day and age of recession, what gets a person in the door is less about their presentation and more about our willingness.  In short, it takes more to get in the door.  I might drive 60 miles to meet someone but on $4 a gallon gasoline it isn't likely unless I see last name potential.  Conversely, people  are more likely to hang onto and in relationships that are less than optimal if one party or another--or both feel that going it alone financially is going to be difficult.

     The reality is that the recession is also emotional.  After struggling with the day to day in and outs of navigating a workplace, finances and other interpersonal relationships there isn't a lot left to go around.  This doesn't mean that there are not tons of successful unions forming.  After the getting real is done, each individual has to determine where they are about relationships and whom to get involved with.

     For my part I will be honest to say that a stimulating, mind bending conversation is wonderful and I now will ask who is paying for the coffee that we have it over.  In every cloud, there is a silver lining.  The lining in this one may be that people are saving in record percentages and the "entrepreneurial" is shining through in all facets of life including dating.  At the end of the day, we will all make our choices--and rise or fall we will be left with the wreckage or the afterglow.

    I think so..and what?

She's Baaaaaaack...

     Well, guess who's back...I am.  Let's just say my tine away has been busy.  I can't begin to cover everything in one blog post, but as things come up I will share.  I will start with the fact that I changed departments so part of my work woes are over. 

     I will be posting some things over the next few days and hope that you guys will welcome me back warmly.  It's good to be home...

Motion, Movement and Progress

     If you follow this blog, then you know that I am a chronic muser.  I think often about lots of things.  I will pause here and shout out my 9th grade English teacher Mr. Freeman, who reminded us, ad nauseam that "often" is for frequency and "lots" is for quantity.  So, the theory about learning by osmosis is true because I would swear I wasn't listening.  Anyway, I digress.

    My five year old had a science project about just that.  As I helped, he began to explain that "everything always moves".  I thought that this was very profound for a 5 year old.  I also thought about how true it really is.  I began to think about my movement.

    I have been thinking about movement over the past few months.  I have always believed that profound realizations require profound movement.  I have also determined that sometimes the most profound movement is to be still.    This is probably the hardest thing for me to do.  I don't always have the patience to keep still.  I am always grateful for the people in my life who help me in and through the learning process that goes with keeping still.  For a long time I equated stillness with inaction.  Through the learning curve, I have come to realize that stillness can be progress and movement can just be motion.

    As the holiday rolls in and the year closes out, my thoughts have turned to Movement, Motion and Progress.  I have spent my year moving but my progress has been minimal.  That's if you do count the fact that I have gotten honest with myself about this small tidbit.  These coming months will be the test.  I will face several things--the biggest being myself.

     I have decided to make the move from motion to progress--forward progress.  This is likely going to leave some people unhappy.  As a mom, I am responsible for encouraging progress.  I have to make it as well.  I will no longer wish for better things and a better path.  I am going to listen to the messages--the positive ones--and bust a move.  Thank you for following and I hope that it wasn't just motion.  Get moving and get it done.

    

   

Life In The Age of Tech or "Why "Instant is Only Good for Pudding..."

      I am a lover of tech.  I am a profound hater of how some choose to use it.  I could run the gamut from the weaponization of e-mail in some workplaces to the the Patriot Act.  My mission today is more about the human cost of tech gone wrong.  My belief is that at some point we will or have all experienced the phenomenon.  The ultimate problem with technology is that it is developed for and used by people.  People, no matter how well intentioned are flawed.  Some more than others.   

     So, in a very profound way, the Clementi family is dealing with the human toll at the convergeance of youth, decisions  and technology. What started off as a prank ended in a young man's death and a leaves a family with more questions than answers.  I think there is a certain level of maliciousness that goes with posting a sex act on the internet.  This goes far beyond a prank.  Certainly its done to visit a certain level of humiliation on the person in it.  The clandestine nature of secretly doing that is an additional level of victimization only furthers that.

    In this age of instant we no longer fact check.  We no longer filter what we say or hear.  Because we are instant in our news, our food and our thirst for information we are short in our memories.  So their ordeal, while fresh for them is yesterday to us.  Take the lesson.  What happens in an instant can affect us for a lifetime.

The Case For Forgiveness

       In the next few sentences I will talk about forgiveness.  I want to be clear that I am not talking about apologies.  Apologies are simply a plea for forgiveness or an acknowledgement that an action or reaction was hurtful to someone.  I am talking about the forgiveness that allows peace to overtake your soul, and release the anger in it. 

     I often wonder whether it is harder to get forgiveness than it is to give it.  The reality is that forgiveness--as I see it--benefits the giver more than the givee.   It has been my experience that there are people that don't much care whether you forgive them or not.  Really, truthfully, being honest why would they care?  If they didn't care enough not to hurt you why would they care about your forgiveness or lack thereof?

    I would suggest, that most people don't intend to be hurtful--the ones who do are hurt themselves.  Imagine living in so much pain that the only way you can get relief is to inflict pain on others.  Very sad when you think about it.  I am a firm believer in fighting with positivity.  Trust me when I tell you, it's a lot of work.

     I have forgiven many things and still have some work to do.  I'm sure that I will require forgiveness in this life before it is all said and done.  The world is littered with the carnage of people who are unable to forgive.  Don't believe me?  Try dating.  Nowhere is pain more evident than when  people attempt to open themselves to new people and the possibilities they represent or admit that they are the same old thing. 

    It makes me sad to hear the stories of people who haven't spoken to their siblings in ten years or children who haven't spoken to their parents in years.  Pain, rejection, hurt and anger are too heavy to carry around with you everywhere you go.  They are burdens we need to be from so that we can have the strength to carry hope, possibility, forgiveness and joy.  There are many choices to be made in life--some go well and others don't.

    The most important thing about forgiveness is to give it--even when the person you need to give it to is the one you look at in the mirror.  Open your heart, open your mind and get it done.

Faith or Folly

     "Walk by faith and not by sight..." is one of the most profound verses in the Bible.  It is also one of the more difficult ones to live by.  It is what I have longed to do all my life.  I think that before I get rolling I should probably give a definitive definition--if anything can be definitive. I think the most profound definition of faith--as I apply it is probably is outlined in Hebrews 11: 1: 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..."

     How much faith does the average person have?  Is "average faith" enough to get you through life?  What happens when your AVERAGE FAITH is tested?  How do you know the difference between stepping out on faith and the folly of a fool?

    I have been asking myself all of these things over the last few months.  I have a profound belief in a higher power and my reasoning is simple:  all the good in life I have experienced could not have been generated completely by me.  The reverse is also true:  there have been too many instances of rough times that I have gotten through solely because of people put in my path.  I think that faith by its very nature is built to be tested.  The reality is that having it tested is the only way to know if you have it and how it will hold up. For my part, I have every reason to have faith but I waiver during the test part.  When I started this piece it was going to be about how people are able to make decisions that seem shocking to others but are OK with them and where the line between faith and foolishness my lay.  As I have experienced sending my child off to college, I have a defferent feeling about the whole thing--a personal awakening if you will.

    For my first question, I think that faith increases with each blessing or bit of grace that a person allows in their life.  In the end, we take a role in determining whether we receive the blessing or not.  I worry a lot.  My mother will say that it's because I don't pray enough.  At this point and upon further observation, she may in fact be right.  I need to pray more, harder and better and I am working on that.

    For how much faith you need to get through your life, I've come to believe that this may be taken care of for us.  Every person of faith and with faith will find when they have needed to step out on it, it was there.  Myself included.    My faith can be weak but I have concluded that no matter how weak your faith it is always strong enough to stand on.

    For the difference between faith and folly--it doesn't really seem to matter.  The only thing that will allow you a moment of folly is planting your feet in faith.  The reality is that no folly is such if it is done in act of faith.  So while it may look foolish to the outside world, all one has to do is believe.  I have opportunities to step out on faith.  Some realized and some squandered.  There have been times when faith stepped in on me. 

    At the end of the day, it matters very little how your faith is dissected.  It only matters if you are strong enough to stand on it because it is strong enough to hold you--no matter what you think.  Step lively and get it done.

Standing on the Promises

     I am very fortunate.  I have a life that is worse than some but I suspect better than most.  I can claim two high school graduates and their very bright younger brother.  Some parents, single or not, can't claim the same.  I was lamenting about the thought of books and tuition and one of the docs I worked with reminded me that I could be figuring out how to raise bail and pay restitution.  Sounded like he knew a little something about it but I didn't probe.

    As fortunate as I am, I cope with the same woes as other parents do.  A non-paying ex, more obligations than cash and the neverending stream of sentences that begin with;  "Mommy I need...", "Can I have...", "Will you buy me.." and my personal favorite "Did you get paid this week?"  I am pretty good at balancing but when I am short I am angry.  Why am I hustling and thinking about how to get paper and pay bills and he's off somewhere out of the fray? For his part, he has been blunt.  " 'You will figure it out, you always do.' "  " 'Get your family to help out, they usually do.' " Honest answer--because I allowed it. I suspect, continuing in honesty, that this is really the part that pisses me off. For far too long, I managed to get things done with help from family. I have also developed such a set of skills that have proved highly helpful in my day to day work life.    The reality is that by not holding feet to the fire, and managing without the consistent financial support of their other parent, I've taught him to believe that he is bonus money.  The reality is that he has never really been forced to be day to day in the struggle.  So, at the end of the day, I am really angry with myself right along with him.  I give him his props though--he learned way more about me than I thought he did.  Stay in the struggle, and get it done.

Are YOU The Partner You Want?

    I am always fascinated by what happens when women get together and the topic turns to men. A group of sisters who are educated, motivated, intellectual and intelligent that for the most part are single. This has been discussed often and rancorously. If you ask any woman about men she will have a history--via--personal experience about what is wrong with men. She will also likely pine for another opportunity with someone knowing what she knows now. The reality is, most of us can relate to this.

    There is a verse in the Bible that says: " To whom much is given, much is required. So shall it be." While this is not typically a verse used to characterize relationships, it somehow seems fitting. As sisters, many of us have a laundry list of qualities we want in a potential partner. I used to have one. Given my current situation and life, I don't believe in absolutes any longer. I think that "THE ONE" exists for everybody. No person is perfect, more importantly we are not perfect in ourselves. What right would I have to demand a perfect partner? Or a perfect relationship?

    This is the point where Christians would say that true love is designed by God and if you live a life of faith and obedience to God this magical love will be provided to you. That may be true, but since people are full of imperfections they would only mess it up. Yep, me included.

On any given day, how many of the qualities you demand in a partner do you demand in yourself? Are you consistent in the giving, demonstration and tolerance that signify love of the magnitude you want? How IN LOVE are you with yourself? Can you pass the "Naked In Front Of the Mirror" test? What about the "Hold A Mirror to Your Soul" test? We need to look inside and clear out clutter, ugliness and the pain of past relationships to be the lover that deserves the perfect love. The test is simple. After you strip all the layers away, would you want to spend the rest of your life with you? Think on it.

America's Birthday

     There are three hundred million people here in the United States of America.  Birthdays mean something different to each one of them.  I guess it's the same for America too.  I use my birthday as an opportunity to reflect on the past year, and more importantly look ahead to the next one. 

    On America's birthday I paused to take in fireworks--twice for good measure--and beyond that not much else I did was patriotic.  In defense of myself, I'm probably not alone.  I did pause to think about the soldiers I've never met that protect me as I wake and sleep, from threats seen and unseen, real, imagined and monetary.  They do this because they have been ordered to do so.  I respect this.  I don't necessarily agree with the motivation but it is what it is.

    America and I are like lifelong girlfriends.  We each have our shit with us, but at the end of the day we know that our relationship is solid.  We are good for each other.  When we are far apart on issues--I protest.  She understands that she is still my roadie, but sometimes you have to call your friends out on their mess.  The Arizona immigration thing.  The Fremont immigration thing. 

    I am free to move about the country without border checks and papers, I can vote and I can have the number of children that I choose to have.  Many can't say the same.  That being said, fifty years ago I would not have been able to vote or walk a public street in conversation with a Caucasian man.  I would have sat in the back of the bus.  Sometimes my homegirl has too high a tolerance for wrong mindedness--but that's who she is.  Sometimes she flat out looks the other way. The assassination of Salvatore Allende in Chile.  The handing of smallpox laden blankets to Native Americans.

    America--it's your birthday.  Do the damn thing.  Make sure you think about where you're going in the year ahead.  Three hundred million people are watching.  Put your best foot forward and do the damn thing.  Happy Birthday mama.  Get it done

" 'Mommy, Your Eyes are Wet..' "

    ...is what my 4 year old said to me at his "Moving Up Exercise" slash Graduation.  He asked me why I was sad.  I went on to explain to him that I wasn't sad at all.  As I stood there in the space-- that was too small, too hot and too crowded--something profound hit me.  It was one those  "AHA" moments.  Drumroll please.  I realized exactly how much richer and better I am for having the children that I have.  They are not perfect children, but they are perfectly full of individual personalities and they love me intensely.

     As they announced my youngest son's name, he shyly walked across the stage, until his female classmate yelled " 'Yaaaay' " and this somehow brought him an increased sense of confidence.  So after the yaaay he strutted.  Initially, I thought my eyes were wet from the fact that I was sweating and then I realized that I'd actually teared up.  I am so very fortunate.  I am two for three on high school grads.  As much as I forget, I live a blessed life.  All my children graduated from something this year.  I am graduating to one child in the home.


     All these things mean a lot to  me.  As a single mom, they are almost validation that staying the course--no matter how rough--is worth it.  My eldest children are adults and building their own lives.  My youngest is doing the same in many ways.  Over the next few weeks my life will be busy.  I will say an extra prayer as I send my only daughter 10 hours away to college.  I will say a prayer as my youngest will be home alone with no siblings.  I will say a prayer for peace in my heart as I will need to communicate with her dad more effectively to get through the next four years.


    So, as I thought about it in retrospect, I was sad--in a happy way.  If you have children you can understand the concept.  As my son persisted in his questions about my wet eyes, I realized in that moment that I have everything that I need to get through life.  Shout-out to the CLASS OF 2010, my graduates, and every other single parent who finds the day that much richer.  I gotta go, my eyes are wet.