"Now It's Time To Say Goodbye..."

Another year is drawing to a close.  In light of all the things that have happened this year, I can say two things:  I am truly blessed and I am a Survivor.  This year has been my Year of the Phoenix.  I can dwell on the difficulties or I can remember the positives.  I opt to focus on the positives.  My eldest child survived a car accident that was horrific.  My youngest son started "Big Boy" school.  My daughter is shopping for a college, and no one is the worse for wear.  I made fresh starts in several areas of my life and will likely make a few in the New Year.

This has been a tough year for my family as well.  We have celebrated victories and mourned losses.  We have held our new cousins and nieces and sent others off to the Ivy League.  We have spent our first holidays without our beloved Aunt Flo.  Her spirit is with us and we know that Heaven is very tidy and the angels have their whitest wings ever.  We miss you but we know you are with us.

I wish the same wish for the New Year that I wish for everyone every year.  For those who are searching, may you find what you seek.  For those who are struggling extend your hand when you want to close it.  Find your faith in the space where the length of your journey exceeds the courage of your heart.  Always remember that no matter the road, the struggle or the path you are only alone when you want to be.  Out with the old and in with the new.  Happy New You!!!!

Have You Stopped Running?

     I usually don't dedicate a particular post to a particular person.  That being said, I do believe in giving credit where credit is due.  My friend D.B. posted this as her status on the Wednesday before Christmas.

" '...It's called chasing a dream for a reason. Nobody gets anything by sitting still! So FB, what's your dream? Have a blessed day!' "

Simple right?  Get up and get that, right?  Make it happ'n Cap'n, right?  Well, maybe not.  So, that leads me to the title of this particular post:  "Have You Stopped Running?"  Let me  just say that if you have, I make no judgments.  Part of the reason why I am writing this is because I have to own that I have in fact stopped chasing some dreams.  I am looking at that for myself.  I go to professional luncheons with successful people and I hear about "if only this" and "the kids that" and I saw myself. 

I want to write grants.  I have the willingness, some experience, a bunch of resources and thanks to another friend who pointed out that I have 400+ friends on FB, I apparently know how to network.  Yet, I haven't moved from this spot.  My dream isn't even running all that fast. I went to a seminar once and the speaker said that every human action is borne out of motivated by love, anger, fear or hope.  I don't know if this is necessarily true, but it would damn sure explain a lot.

We see people everyday that have stopped chasing their dreams.  Whether they are large or small. I make a living on people who have stopped chasing a nightmare to start chasing a dream.  I often tell them to put in the same effort for the positive as they did for the negative.  I pass by people who are so lost in their sorrows that they may not even remember what their dream looked like.

The reality is that if you have the broadness of mind to dream a dream then you must have the strength of heart to chase it.  Success is not guaranteed but the lesson is in the journey.  If you have to learn from something why shouldn't it be from your path to destiny?  We all jog in place sometimes but the key is to never stop running. 

So Deb, thanks for making me think about this.  To L.A., put the chips down cuz it ain't on the flat screen.  Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.  Find your faith.  Find YOU.   Lace up your kicks and let's get it done.

For Men Only: Five Fallacies That Will Keep You Single or Make You Wish You Were

     So, for my brothers, my Nubian Kings, my men of distinction I am doing the same thing for you that I did earlier for my sisters.  Let me just say that I freely admit that these are fallacies through my eyes as a woman so take from that whatever you want.  I will share with you that my expertise has come primarily from living through relationships with your brothers. So, the five fallacies through the eyes and mind of one of your sisters.

1.  "I want an independent chick that's gonna hold shit down..."  This is not so much a fallacy as watch what you ask for.  There are several things that you need to understand about the hold-it-down chick.  Generally she has done so without the benefit of a partner.  Although she respects and values your input as her man and partner, at the end of the day she's gonna rock how SHE thinks she should because the result is hers to own.  My suggestion would be to consider the fact that there are things that you will hold down together and some things that you will just have to let go.  One final word on the hold-it-down chick:  make sure she isn't at the point where she's looking for a brother to do the holding down.  It's hard work.

2.  "Women shouldn't compare the new guy to her exes."  Good luck.  Many women--present company included--but I am trying to do better, will establish a spectrum with the very best on the high end and the very worst on the low end.  We will then figure out where you fall.  There are several problems with this aside from the obvious one of not looking at an individual on their own merits. Another issue is the simple fact that while each person claims no baggage from their past some are ignoring the beeping truck that is backing up to your new relationship.  The reality is that men do this all the time with respect to sex.  We compare not to cheat you of individuality but to remind ourselves.  We need to be sure that your absolute worst is something that we can survive.

3. "There's nothing wrong with a little flirting..." Can you say "relationship killer" boys and girls?  What is appropriate varies between partners.  Whatever the line in the sand is for your relationship, make sure you know where it is and stay on your side of it.  I use two standards.  My first standard is what I call the "three or less rule."  If you were with someone and you were flirting, would you be able to explain what was going on in three sentences or less and have me not be upset?  The other principle I apply is the "If it were me" rule.  Would you want a dude that wasn't you saying or doing with me, whatever it is you are saying or doing with your flirt?  Two easy self-tests.  If you answer no to either one then the next question should be " 'do I really want this relationship?' "  Slippery slope but if you have good boots, who am I to say?

4. "She needs to just understand that I have female friends..." And she will as long as everyone stays on their side of the fence.  If you have been single for a long period of time, there needs to be a discussion with your homegyrls about what the rules are NOW.  So the two a.m. to rag on her boo is no longer acceptable.  The conversation about which tie with which suit is now a girlfriend question.  And here's the shocker--they should meet each other.

5.  Sex with the EX.   You're smart there's not a whole lot of explaining that needs to go with this little bullet.  Might I suggest that she really isn't your EX until you stop sleeping with her?

Well, there you have it.  The only thing that I would add is to be honest.  Be honest about the vibe she is  giving you and be honest with your feelings about it and the space that you are in.  Love with passion and get it done.

The Take-Away Lessons From The Tiger Woods Scandal

     So, I have no idea about what the body count is at this point--and care very little.  The thing is that Tiger Woods and his situation are only remarkable, because he's Tiger Woods.  Women everywhere everyday are making the same discoveries about the loves of their life.  I have no interest in Tiger or Elin or even where they go from here.

     I am more interested in the lessons that all of us can take away from this fiasco--aside from the obvious.  I don't make any judgments, just observations.  In fact, I have several. 

Money does not soften the hurt and anguish of a cheating partner.  If anything, it probably makes it worse.  Imagine having your most humiliating moments be the lead on every network and internet site in the free world.  One of the main reasons why people are able to regroup from personal tragedies is because they are personal.  We are able to get support from friends and people in our circle to pick up the pieces and start fresh--however that may look.

Whether or not to stay or go should not be decided in the moment.  When there is trouble in a relationship, there needs to be a "pullback" moment.  It's the equivalent of taking a time out before you go for 4th and goal in football.  There needs to be a discussion with clear heads and hearts because whatever comes next--good, bad, or indifferent--will be HUGE.

Family can hurt more than help in this situation. Let's be honest.  When the gyrls get together, we will generally vote for "leave his trifling ass" on general principle.  It's never that easy.  Whether to leave or stay comes down to what is best for you emotionally.  Friends who really are, will support you no matter what.

I think only the scope of the cheating is a surprise.  I'm finding it a little hard to believe that Elin had no idea that her husband had a wandering eye and a penis to match.  The sense of entitlement associated with the sheer amount of women, leads me to believe that there is some sort of addiction.  Generally, addicts suck at hiding there addictions.  Unless you live under a rock, there's no way, even with handlers, you could hide the number of sex junkets.  Behaviors of this magnitude don't just pop up.

    So, those are just a couple of observations.  At the end of the day, whatever happens will make the evening news.  I thinks it's fortunate that their children are young so the scarring will be mimimal.  I think that the whole situation could have been avoided with some honesty.  A billion dollar atlete with a penis?  Let's be real.  Love means different things to different people and I would suspect there is a money aspect to it as well.  As women, we tolerate lots of things for the sake of the relationship or our illusion about what the relationship is or can be.  What would you tolerate for the love of your billion dollar spouse?  Think about it and get it done.

    

For Women Only: Five Fallacies About Relationships That Will Keep You Single or Make you Wish You Were

     When I had this thought initially, I was going to group men and women together.  I think that each deserves their own post and honestly, the fallacies are different.  The reasons we perpetuate them, are also different.  There will not be much discussion here about the why, the focus is on the what and possible ideas for how to fix it.  Now before I start let me just say that I make no judgments and hope that you will do the same in return.  We love as best we can given the context.  That being said, here I go.

     "He loves me, so he's leaving her..." OK.  I can't say enough about this.  Men are action oriented. Men will generally not pontificate about what they plan to do, may possibly do, wish they would do, they simply plan, announce, and do.  He may say that for several reasons, the most important one being his need for what is where your thighs meet.  When you hear this there are several things you should ask yourself.

• 
  
       How well will he be able to focus on our "new" relationship while he is in the throes of getting out of the old one?
  
  
  

•     How well do you think this will go over with the wife or partner?  This is important because you can believe that her pain and hurt is going to your problem for at least the first year--longer if they have children. 
• And the final and perhaps most important question:  What is the karmic payback for being at least some of the reason that a family ends.

    "If he has nothing to hide then it doesn't matter..." Ok.  This is the part where I tell you that you need to take your Amy Winehouse ass to Rehab.  Hell yeah it matters.  The reality is that if you don't trust him, then it's likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The more he feels mistrusted, the less he feels he has to lose.  This is the off ramp to couple hell, and it's hard to find the exit without making an exit.  The reality is that if he's up to something it will come out anyway and as much as it hurts, respect the journey to discovery.  The reality is that if you suspect something then you should flat out ask. 

"We're together now, he shouldn't be hanging out with his boys..."  When we couple up it is not reasonable to expect our partners to leave their networks behind.  Very rarely do the ask us to do the same.  Generally, hanging out with the boys is without incident for most men.  Limiting the hang out time with them will probably have a reverse effect.  It's like telling kids not to take cookies from the counter.  Keep your mind open because there will always be at least one homey that you won't like.

"He's just really into me, that's why he's jealous like that..." Well you may be absolutely right, or far more likely he may be abusive or have anger issues.  Initially the attention is probably very flattering.  Then smothering.  Then scary.  The reality is that there are varying degrees of jealous.  When people truly are partners, then own the relationship and not each other.  Any behavior that you have to explain or lie about is probably a red flag to your friends.  Be careful here my sistas, these turn into the stories that we read about in the paper.

"He would never cheat on me, he loves me..."  Ladies, ladies, ladies...if he cheated with you then he will likely cheat on you.  Please note that cheating is very rarely about a lack of love--it may be more about a lack of respect for the relationship.  Cheating is devastating to everyone involved, whether they admit it or not.  Cheating is about many things from pathology to entitlement to opportunity.  No matter what, relationships are never the same after.

    So, there you have it.  At the outset I promised to suggest solutions to the possible issues.  My solution for all of them is practically the same.  Be honest and above board with your partner.  Teach people how to treat you and make actions have consequences.  LOVE YOU so much that people have no choice but to love you well.  Whatever the experience take the lesson from the journey.  Get it done.

Real Talk

     While I am reluctant to admit this in public, I love a good pick up line.  The reality is that I appreciate the effort that a brother is trying to make.  It shows some thought and possibly even some creativity.  It may make no difference in the end, but it's a good icebreaker.  Since it's real talk I also need to be honest and say that a line that is too good will lead me to wonder whether or not he's just about game.  It's interesting though.  I am a devout disliker of "running game" as are most  sistas in the dating pool.  I think that I'm just too old for the foolishness. 

     My friends will point out that much in the same way women fall for good looking men, I love love love smart guys.  Book smart, life smart and on occasion street smart,  that's my crowd.  While I admit that I have a personal preference, I don't necessarily use it to rule people out.  Some people will say they ONLY like thin men, tall men, still others like muscular men.  I'm not an ONLY type of girl, but I like what I like. 

     So, let me hear your best effort.  Talk to me about great poets, sentence syntax, NETCOOL protocols, and even make your case for who is the best rapper Biggie, Jay-Z, Tupac or Nas, it's all good.  Be good to each other, yourselves and total strangers.  Get it done.

Speak to Me

    I am an observer of people. I make my living off the human condition.  On a regular basis, while I am listening to people's path in life--as told by them--I assess.  What's true, what's not, how wrapped in the pain are they?  How invested in changing, or not are they?  While these skills make me good at what I do at work, and are priceless in navigating a work environment, they serve me not at all in relationships and life overall.

     There are times when I think I see too much.  Perhaps, it has more to  do with the dichotomy between what I am seeing intuitively and what I am being shown prima facie.  The dilemma becomes what do  you believe?  How much of our intuition is colored by what we have lived through, gotten into, gotten out of and gotten over?  When I asked someone what they thought my biggest weakness was he looked me squarely in the face and said: 

 " 'you believe that people are basically good and will do the right thing.  They will usually do what is right for them.' "

I asked why that was a bad thing?  He said " 'it's a wonderful thing but it opens up a world of hurt.' "  Probably an entirely true statement.

     Part of my belief is self-preservation.  I see the physical and emotional pain that people rain on each other and themselves everyday, so I need to believe and bear witness to the flip side.  In addition, as a mom, I need to impart in my children a way for them to see the world  as a place of possibilities...good, bad and indeterminate.  They need to realize, as I do, that ultimately all you can do is learn and grow. Accept the responsibility for things that you do and insist others do the same.  Do it all with the understanding that we will all fall short sometimes.

   My heart and mind are open.  Speak to me, but understand that I listen real loud. There are 8 million stories in the naked city.  Tell yours and own it. Be good to each other and get it done.

The Case for Facebook

So we hear all these stories about serial killers and other degenerates on Craigslist, MySpace and stalkers on Facebook and LinkedIn.  It all makes for dynamic reading.  My situation and eperience has been very different.  I joined Facebook primarily because a friend who had MYSPACE suggested it was more for "grown folk."  I also belonged to groups that were being disbanded by MSN, so it was a natural transition. I figured why not, although I enjoyed the anonymity illusion of MYSPACE.

The most disconcerting thing about Facebook for me was having to use my "real" name.  In retrospect, this was more about the place that I was in than anything else.  I logged in, I joined and started searching.  My life is forever richer for it.  I was able to reconnect with my college crowd and find my very best friend from high school--and she remembered me.  One of the things about Facebook is that often, you can get a perspective that you may not have gotten otherwise.  Make no mistake, there are still guys trolling for dates and weirdos too, but you can "unfriend" them and be done with it.

Facebook allowed me to meet people across the country, state and world that I can call my friends and some have done more for me than actual friends that I see in person.  I am fortunate I have family on Facebook and I have a Facebook family.  There were times and things that I have gone through, that I shared with my FB family.

You hear the horror stories about people losing jobs because of FB status updates and pics of weekend debauchery.  Well, I may be the only person who would benefit from am employer trollinng my page.  The would have to figure that I'm a quality type of woman because I keep great company.  I love family, and thanks for every time you have helped get it done.

USA, U. Stress.A, Unbelievably Stressed Americans

  So what a week.  The YAAAAAAANNNNNKKKKEES win!  All out throw down in the Canyon of Heroes.  Major Dr Nidal Malik Hassan walks in to the Soldier Readiness Center and opens fire. He kills twelve people.  Another person dies from their injuries the following day.  Thirty one people wounded including Hassan.  Jose Rodriguez walks into an office building in Florida and opens fire. One dead, several injured.

   As the economy tightens on a personal level, while people keep hearing that things are getting better more and more people are becoming frustrated.  I have long believed that for a certain portion of the population, just everyday survival can and likely lead to PTSD.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  We are more frequently hearing of people just "snapping".  This is a drama that will unfold many more times in many more places until, we as a nation, heal our pain.  Soldiers are fighting and dying in two wars across the world.  Their families are here trying to manage day to day existence under the pressure of bottom dollar home prices, top dollar food prices, climbing gas prices and shrinking numbers of places and people you can turn to for support.  Throw in on top of that not knowing whether you will have a job in six months.

   All in all, even if you have excellent coping skills to start with--and most don't--the prolonged nature of the stress can be too much, and that is your basic definition of PTSD.  In my work, I deal with people who are living in their pain, and with the byproducts of it.  I have always believed that the only thing that separates one person from another are the series of choices that they make.  One person chooses therapy, another drugs.  One person chooses to reach out and another chooses to get out. 

    I have gone through tough times with the economy myself, and working on a grant that's closing, my future is uncertain also.  I have something that many don't have though.  I believe that at the end of the day no matter how difficult it gets, the ship will right itself.  As someone pointed out to me, I have a wonderful set of problems.  One child in college, another on the way to college and a very bright preschooler and how to pay for it all.  He pointed out that I could be spending money on bail and restitution as opposed to uniforms and college applications. Sometimes, all you need is perspective.  There but for the grace of God go I. 

"I'm Glad To Have A Job, But Damn..."

... is something I have said to myself everyday this week. I have to remind myself that some people would kill to be knee deep in foolishness and cutthroat bitches. So, I have good friends that were co-workers four months ago.  They are now "my friends I used to work with".   This was the whole hitting home thing for me.  I work in what must possibly be the most hostile work environment ever created.  Now my boss is not grabbing my ass or anything like that--but that would likely be an improvement. 

I have decided that when I retire I am going to write a book--and please know--I'm not changing a single name because none of these itchbays is innocent.   You simply can't make up characters this good. The conniving young upstart, the two-faced colleague, the puppet and the master, and the don't have a clue person will bear their official government names.  I may be kind enough not to use first and last but it will all depend on how I come through.  It amazes me what people will do sometimes.  I have worked with substance abusers for a long time and really, they have nothing on this group of trifling chicks. They are the poster for an all male workplace. For my part, I shouldn't let it get to me, but there are days when the busyness is so loud that it's like listening to the PA system in a stadium where it's just you.  My department is in a state of flux.  By all accounts, it appears that the guard is changing.

I worked on a "special project" and my life hasn't been the same since.  For one thing, I learned a lot about the true nature of some of my colleagues and believe me, ugly is a river and she runs real deep.  For the better part, I have a concrete understanding of where I stand.  Trust me, it wasn't where I thought it was.  I am glad I have a job.  It helps with the money.  I have no idea how much longer I will have my job, but I know that I have an opportunity to determine my fate in some small way.   Someone has determined that I shouldn't be paid for the work I've done.  I'm just going to keep praying on that.

There is a proverb that says "smooth seas don't make for skillful sailors."  Well then, between momming, relationships and work, I can sail the globe in a dingy.  I'm glad to have a job, but damn...  Don't get it twisted, I will get it done.

Recession Lessons

     Let just start out by saying that this blog will not provide you with any tips and will talk not very much about money.  The recession really has taught me very little about money.  On the other hand, it has taught me a hell of a lot about people.  As a single mom of three, I have developed a talent for dealing with money droughts.  A talent that has left some scars, but that will be a blog for another day.  I think that the recession has been one of the most dramatic events in the lives of many. 

If nothing else, it has begun to separate the men from the boys emotionally.  For some, who they are is heavily tied to wealth, income and status.  Lose those and they may lose themselves.  I am thankful for the struggles that I endure as a single parent and I have a set of problems that many people would like to have.  I have one child in tech school, another on the way to college and a ridiculously bright pre-schooler and I will be returning to school soon as well.  Paying for it, is a source of stress,  making the rent is a source of stress  especially when my agency, owes me tons of money.  I can appreciate the small moments, and that's where I garnr my strength.  I doubt they would have happened or mattered as much if I didn't have to look for something to appreciate in the absence of material wealth.

While I realize this may only be a personal shortfall of mine, I tend to think it slightly more widespread and doubt that I'm the only one.  My grendfather used to say " 'everyone believes in the sun when the clouds are gone.' "  Alot to digest for a 6 year old but true nonetheless.  Now, this is one of the few times where less is more.  Most minorities, single moms and working poor stay in the struggle on a constant basis.  You develop a set of skills and a skin that tells you once you do your best to get things paid it will turn out however it's supposed to.

What makes the recession tragic and notable  is that the people who have spent their adulthoods acquiring, maintaining and promoting wealth, no longer have it and are devastated.  I went through losing a home and it hurt that much more because of the struggle that went into getting it.  I feel fortunate almost that I have a life that helped me develop skills that are coming in handy.  It's like bringing an umbrella on a sunny day--everyone is laughing and ignoring you until the clouds roll in. 

It is devastating to listen to the Bernie Madoff, Enron and AIG stories.  However, they all share a common thread--people.  No one deserves to lose their life savings or their home. However not since 3 card monty did anyone ever offer and guaranteee a 200% return on an investment every year.  No one looks up at the ceiling when they live in a house of cards.

The lessons to take away? 

1. Love people not money.
2. Understand that neither may love you back. 
3. Too good to be true usually is.
4. People who love you will give you their support.
5. Who you are in a crisis says more about you than you may want people to know.
6. Be able to look yourself in the eye when you pass a mirror.
7. Find your faith, because it's been looking for you.

Get it done.

The Case for Why "Cougars" Really Aren't or "Maybe But that's the Wrong Cat..."

The earliest known reference to "cougars" being anything but cats probably dates back to 1999 and a Canadian website where "women of a certain age" could meet younger men. Now most of the references I heard about "cougars" are derrogatory. "Cougar" is defined as a woman who frequently seeks companionshp with men that are significantly her junior. Most people use the ten years or more rule.

So let me point out some differences between cougars, as in the cat and cougars as in the women. The cat is predatory. It will lie in wait for a particular piece of prey. Please note that the term prey implies an implicit, preexisting imbalance of power. Cougars the cat are not discriminatory about their prey. Meat is meat. Women are very discriminatory about their men.

The "cat chick" would not be attracted to this type of hunter/prey dynamic. Despite what people suggest, women like their men strong. What attracts a woman to a man is, for the most part universal across age types. Women are attracted by confidence, looks, attitude and generally like to feel some type of connection with someone they have an interest in or feelings for. The cat has no such connection to its prey. If anything, the male object of a "Cat chick's" attention has a slight advantage, primarily due to the fact that they are the object of interest.

The reality is that cat prey has no such advantage. Most women, want a man that they can build with with, even if that building is limited to what can be erected in a single night while "asleep" in bed. Cougars, do not partner with their prey. Cat chicks are thrilled to partner with the objects of their interest.

The last and final thing I will say about "cat chicks" is that in one area they are much like cougars. They are fiercely protective of their partners, as many women are of their men. So, there you have it. Women that date younger men may be cats, but they really aren't cougars. Are you a cat person?

"Extra" Credit

So, my almost four year old now goes to "Big Boy School". He loves it and I think I do too. In additional to a quality education on a limited income, it provides me an opportunity to observe--not only others but myself. One thing that I have observed immediately is that my son's dad has turned out to be exactly the opposite of the dad he promised to be. Very early on in the pregnancy he made it clear that he wasn't taking a seat of the parenting train. Scare tactic? Don't know to this day but I can tell you that as a single parent two times over--he would've needed to bring his A game on a threat--that was a D at best. For my observation about me, I'd have to say that I was a little resistant to the change even though I initiated it and then had the nerve to have second thoughts about it. Shameful really.

I am a firm believer in credit where credit is due. Now I am going to stay focused on the positive and say only that if he applied his current connectedness to his son to a relationship partner he would be like the best catch ever or at least a decent size fish. Because he would drop the baby at the sitter, I really had no idea of the sort of secret bonding that was going on around me. I bore witness to this by accident over of all things an oil change. It seems that the fellas go for these on a regular basis, together, while I am working. Just so happened that I went along and I have to say, I was definitely the outsider. Evidently, there is pomp and ceremony around this process that includes a " 'Hey there buddy' " from the oil change people, followed by Doritos and a car wash that is watched behind a glass and finally a greeting from the air freshener lady who noted that he came with an "extra" person. I can only assume it was me because never did she look up from my son's gaze.

I didn't like being the "extra" person and because most of my friends are male and not necessarily with the mothers of their children I was immediately curious about whether or not this ever happened to them. I was saddened to find that while I experienced this as an incident, that many of them live in this space--albeit for different reasons. Several of them just accept the exclusion as the price for leaving. Several others are proactive and strive towards inclusion, and then there is my friend, let's call him *Cory. "Cory" has lived this and its left scars. So much so, that he has bullied his ex into believing that there better not be anything that he doesn't know about his boys.

For her part, she sees approval for everything at every turn which he claims is an irritant. I'm keeping my money, I don't buy it. The reality is that parenting with someone, where the only thing you have in common is your child is difficult at best.

For my part, being "extra" has made me a little more mindful of my approach. I won't be fully inclusive until he gets that boundaries are not to step on, kick over or walk through, and any effort to do so just makes me want to make the boundary that much taller, deeper and thicker. In the interest of my son, however, I fire shots across the bow before I train the missile. We can always do better if we remember the rush of love we felt the very first time unfocused eyes looked up at us and stole our hearts.

Happy Habitrails

So, if you are of a certain age then you will remember these little wheels inside cages that were designed to provide pet rodents with hours of entertainment and exercise so as not to remind them that they were in fact pet rodents. I never owned a pet rodent or understood the appeal of doing so, but evidently a lot of my peers did.

In my adulthood, I ponder the whole Habitrail penomenon in a totally different light. I have often wondered if those little rodents realized they were just little rodents? More importantly, the Habitrail is a metaphor for so many different things in the life of many people--if they are willing to admit it. So, how many times have we run endlessly in a circle, believing that we were moving towards something? Now, if you have never done this, then congratulations because you are out ahead of many of your comtemporaries.

I will only speak for myself, and of things I know. I have had Habitrail runs in almost every area of my life but they have probably been the most profound in the area of relationships and money. For the relationship part, I have stayed too long, left too soon, tried too hard and not tried hard enough. The reality is, that once I decided that my happiness and joy was my responsibility, I was far more clear on where I should and shouldn't be. I am single now, and not especially happy about it but I believe that the universe centers us in spite of ourselves. I write my singleness off as that and at some point I will be blissfully happy. This is not to say that I am unhappy, I just believe that there is a different level of happiness that is achieved when you connect with another human being on that level where you just "get each other."

As far as money goes, it hates me and I need it. My relationship with money has run the gamut from totally functional to slave and master, master and slave and currently tenuous partners with money giving less than it needs to. The reality is, that I am less traumatized about my "me and money" relationship because frankly, I got a nation full of company. At this point, I know that barring a LOTTO win, I am just sort of where I'm gonna be with money. I have one son in college, a daughter that's going, and another son in preschool. I am doing my best and hoping that it's good enough.

I consider myself fortunate. There are so many people that don't even realize they are on the wheel, at least I'm fortunate enough to get off. How about you?

The Repoductive Rainbow or "How Old Are Your Kids Again?"

So if you have a pulse then you are probably aware of the fact that I have three children. I love them deeply. They are versatile. They can be angelic in one moment and the spawn of Satan in the next. I have a son in college, a daughter on the way to college--and I'm shopping for a quality preschool for my youngest. This is the part where people generally gasp and say things like "Wow, why'd you go back?" or "Surprise baby?" or "Oooh wow." 19, 17, and just about 4. I'm getting my mom on.

Now, I'll be the first to admit learning that I was pregnant was slightly--well--traumatic may be too strong but it's close enough to count as accurate. I actually just counted it as an "oh well, gotta shift gears" type of thing. It wasn't until the"Guess What" conversation that I even had an inkling that I had a "sit-cha-a-shen". Let me be unabashedly honest and say that it wasnt until my first prenatal appointment when I whispered to the nurse why I was there, that I realized that I had some embarrassment about expecting with teenagers at home. Their reaction will be the subject of a separate post.

I can say with certainty, that the last time I had such a profound spell of personal growth, was when I became a single mom via separation and divorce. It isn't lost on me that on two separate occasions the birth of a child was the birth of a new me. If my kids never smiled, waved, hugged or kissed me again, this alone would be special enough to last me a lifetime. As part of my growth, I had to wonder why I grew most when forced to grow as opposed to growing just because. At some point, I invested more in the growing than in the why of it all.

I love being a mom. I love being a mom to my particular children. Parenting on the rainbow provides me with an opportunity to enjoy, remember, appreciate and look forward to the many things that children can and will do. For my part, being brutally honest, each of my kids has had a different mom. With my first child, I tried to read every parenting book on the planet. Useless. It was strictly on-the-job training. With my daughter, I had the ability to begin to fine tune my parenting repertoire.

Waiting a decade to have another child led to the realization that the game done changed. Parenting is almost passe'. Many kids learn early on, that if they just wait out the stressed out grown up that they can write their own ticket. My youngest gets away with way more than the other kids did and they remind me every chance they get. This has more to do with having grown enough to choose battles more carefully and frankly the devil is in the details.

I owe all of my children different things for different reasons but what matters most is that I have three opportunities to create prouctive citizens. I hope for them more than anything that they realize the importance of personal growth and develop a solid belief that they are of positive energy and that this will motivate them to be a force for good on whatever level they can, whether it be finding a cure for something or finding a way to reach another human being.

I also appreciate the value and joy in seeing a boy become a man, a girl become a woman and an infant become a preschooler. It's ironic that I now go to birthday parties with my son for for the children of the children I used to hold and babysit for. It reminds me every day that my life is so rich and that I am well loved and well blessed. Being unabashedly honest, there are days when I forget to thank the universe for this.

Lately, I have been lamenting my single status or my "partnerlessness". Truth of the matter is I am fortunate to have a life that is full of people that love me and have helped me grow. I am constantly in the crunch about time and money. I have learned that the richness of you is never found in your wallet and I wish everybody would catch on. I am gazillionaire and I hope to share the wealth for many years to come. Peace.

Random Realizations and Observations From A Day Out and About

So, from time to time I muse and ponder. Not necessarily about world changing events or ideas but just average everyday stuff. I am prone to do this from time to time--I will pause here to note that my ex believed that this was done just to piss him off but at times he found it endearing. See, I'm off to a totally random start. Please note these thoughts are in no particular order.

I qualify as a "supercommuter". According to AAA, I have earned this title because I travel more than 50 miles one way to get to work. I drive so I get alot of opportunities to observe behaviors. I understand multi-tasking but I am amazed at how much OTHER stuff people are doing in addition to driving. To the driving public:

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  Please avoid the left lane if you are unwilling to travel 10 miles above the speed limit.


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  If you own a BMW, Mercedes or Porsche it's OK to hit the pedal to the right of the brake. The engine will not fall out and the car Gods will not take it personally.


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  You should not be doing anything more difficult than switching radio stations while you are driving. Shaving and eating a four course meal defy the limits of good sense.


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  Please do not try that road rage ish with me cuz I'm not the one.

So, enough about driving. Let's shift gears. No pun intended, right hand high. One thing that I have come to realize is that the world--well at least Orange County--is populated by two groups of people: those who wish to connect and those who don't. For the most part, the two groups are like the Dani tribe--they take their victories one at a time. The Connectors will make eye contact and smile at children. The Leave Me Alones will never make eye contact, and will try to avoid the appearance that they are remotely interested in your presence. I am evil and twisted so I purposely try to use my Connector skills on Leave Me Alones every chance I get. Twisted I know.

I was in that bastion of evildoing--Wal-Mart. Parents are damn glad their kids are heading back to school and if the kids are savvy enough, they can name their price. My final observation is also Wal-Mart related. I overheard two Hasidic women speaking in english , which is itself rare, and they were discussing how unclean the store was, while their children were riding bikes down the aisles and stealing candy. Stones and glass people. Stones and glass.

The Whole Maia Campbell Thing...

...Is beyond sad to me--on several different levels. I guess it is saddest because on any given day there are a thousand stories like this that go totally unnoticed. I haven't decided yet whether the happening is more sad than the unnoticing. After saying that I would not watch the video, I watched it anyway. Should have stuck to my guns.

I think that everybody battles whatever demons they have in regular ways every day. It is just part of the lifestruggle. For Maia and the tens of thousands like her, the demons become bigger than the tools, will or need to battle them. Clearly she has a lot of things going on. Now, being the progeny of someone famous is difficult on its own. Throw in rumors of drug addiction, mental illness and sexual proclivities and what you end up with is a lost child caught on video tape.

I am curious about where here support is. Where's dad? Where are her "In the House" co-stars? I'm not suggesting that they act like parents but clearly part of her issue is that she's alone in whatever is happening to her. She has the resources and the name to move past her crisis with some solid choices. For the rest of the people caught in throes of mental illness, prostitution, and drug usage there is no video that may lead to intervention.

No one is rushing to sign up to be their brother's keeper, but ask yourself: "Who would keep me, if I needed to be kept?"

Give it some thought and get it done.

Stonehenge, Crop Circles And Relationships or Three Great Mysteries of Life

Let me just say that I have no real interest in pondering Stonehenge. Crop circles are either aliens paying a visit or some dude with an engineering degree and a board tried to a string. Makes no real difference to me. That being said, let's move right into the relationship/dating connundrum.

I am by no means an expert on relationships. I have been married and divorced. I fall into the category of serial monogamy. I am currently single and my last foray into the relationship forest was--well--eventful. I place this disclaimer primarily because I am going to say some things that will make some say, "That's why that heffa is single..." and still others will say, "Wow, real talk, true ish". I'm down for you and I got your back no matter where you come down. That being said, here I go:

I am a firm believer in love. I am also a realist. Only children and exceptional individuals love without conditions. Most people love and expect that they will be loved back. How many people have started a conversation with something like, "If you love me you would or wouldn't do this or that..."? While I love love, love to be in love, love people who can love and love a good love story, I am a realist. I am a firm believer that people love in context. When I was in elementary school we had these "unit" books. They had titles like "Getting the Facts", "Learning the Sequence", and my favorite "Understanding the Context." Useless. Until real life. Understanding the Context, if effective, basically helped you to understand the background to what you were reading without having to do the research. It fostered the development of inference.

In matters of the heart, there should be zero tolerance on inference. Inference is too subjective and leads quickly to assumptions. But I digress. Loving in context means, that people love as best they can, based on what they live, have lived through or want to live. As if all of that is not enough, throw in a heaping helping of competing agendas. Let me be clear, agendas are not necessarily bad. It simply means that each person has a list of things they intend to "cover" in the relationship--much in the same way that an agenda is used in a meeting. The problem is that frequently the real agenda is not on paper. On top of that, throw in just the general differences between men and women and what they hope to gain and be in and from the relationship. Someone once said that women meet men and hope to change them and men meet women and hope they never change. The odds are stacking up already.

For my brothers, BE HONEST. If you only want to holla at the cat, then claim it. Maybe she is only looking for a cat whisperer. This would eliminate the ugliness I see repeatedly in malls and in other public places. She wouldn't need to roll up on you if you told her that she was box 1 of 3. There might be some discussion about why she is better than the other boxes but you have eliminated the roll-up factor. In addition to practicing honesty, practice listening and caring. We realize that you had a long day too. We are just trying to figure out if you love us enough--yep, we measure and test--to put us first and hear our concerns and fears.

For my sisters, BE HONEST and Respectful. No man wants to feel like he is lessened or belittled, especially at the hands or mouth of his partner. Believe if you know what he's not doing, he does too. No reminders are necessary. Men are visual. Every now and then, you might try wearing an outfit like the one that "man stealing ho with the new do" is wearing because he will sneak a peek if possible. Most importantly for sisters, don't use the cat as a bargaining chip. You might be in for more than you bargained for.

At the end of the day, if you love the way you would want to be loved then half the battle is won. Live and love your best. Get it done...

Whoppers And Big Macs

Let me start off by saying that this in no way, shape or form has anything to do with hamburger. For many people the open of a new year and close of the old one is the only opportunity that many of us take for introspection. I can speculate, but that's not my point."Whoppers" are not the lies people tell us , but rather the ones we tell ourselves. Many times, we don't lie to ourselves intentionally. We just omit the facts. The omission, I am convinced, is not intentional but instinctive. There are some things that hurt so much, we don't want to see them. It may be a child's poor behavior, or the cheating ways of a partner or the fact that something that we think we can control, controls us. What ever the WHOPPER, the new year provides us with the opportunity to look and dig deep. I have done it and I'm doing it again because I feel that if I stop then I limit my potential.MACs are "Moments of Absolute Clarity". These are the times, events and people that force us to act. Whether we want to or not. These are the slap in the face moments, that move us to action. Like a new year where we decide that we can't live it the way we lived the old one. I have had more MACS than I would like to admit and some whoppers too.For the New year, I wish everyone the courage to cope as best you can, and to know when MACS and Whoppers are on your plate.

"I Want To Give A Shout-out..."

...To Ib'n and Akua. Both of you, within days of each other, said the very same thing. "You should blog." So here I am. I have no idea how it will turn out or what it will turn up. Being who I am, I'm just gonna take the ride and hope I get some good company on the way. So, my very first blog is dedicated to two people, totally unconnected other than the fact that they know me. Y'all started this but I won't hold you guys on how it turns out. So welcome to my blog and let's get it done...