Motion, Movement and Progress

     If you follow this blog, then you know that I am a chronic muser.  I think often about lots of things.  I will pause here and shout out my 9th grade English teacher Mr. Freeman, who reminded us, ad nauseam that "often" is for frequency and "lots" is for quantity.  So, the theory about learning by osmosis is true because I would swear I wasn't listening.  Anyway, I digress.

    My five year old had a science project about just that.  As I helped, he began to explain that "everything always moves".  I thought that this was very profound for a 5 year old.  I also thought about how true it really is.  I began to think about my movement.

    I have been thinking about movement over the past few months.  I have always believed that profound realizations require profound movement.  I have also determined that sometimes the most profound movement is to be still.    This is probably the hardest thing for me to do.  I don't always have the patience to keep still.  I am always grateful for the people in my life who help me in and through the learning process that goes with keeping still.  For a long time I equated stillness with inaction.  Through the learning curve, I have come to realize that stillness can be progress and movement can just be motion.

    As the holiday rolls in and the year closes out, my thoughts have turned to Movement, Motion and Progress.  I have spent my year moving but my progress has been minimal.  That's if you do count the fact that I have gotten honest with myself about this small tidbit.  These coming months will be the test.  I will face several things--the biggest being myself.

     I have decided to make the move from motion to progress--forward progress.  This is likely going to leave some people unhappy.  As a mom, I am responsible for encouraging progress.  I have to make it as well.  I will no longer wish for better things and a better path.  I am going to listen to the messages--the positive ones--and bust a move.  Thank you for following and I hope that it wasn't just motion.  Get moving and get it done.

    

   

Life In The Age of Tech or "Why "Instant is Only Good for Pudding..."

      I am a lover of tech.  I am a profound hater of how some choose to use it.  I could run the gamut from the weaponization of e-mail in some workplaces to the the Patriot Act.  My mission today is more about the human cost of tech gone wrong.  My belief is that at some point we will or have all experienced the phenomenon.  The ultimate problem with technology is that it is developed for and used by people.  People, no matter how well intentioned are flawed.  Some more than others.   

     So, in a very profound way, the Clementi family is dealing with the human toll at the convergeance of youth, decisions  and technology. What started off as a prank ended in a young man's death and a leaves a family with more questions than answers.  I think there is a certain level of maliciousness that goes with posting a sex act on the internet.  This goes far beyond a prank.  Certainly its done to visit a certain level of humiliation on the person in it.  The clandestine nature of secretly doing that is an additional level of victimization only furthers that.

    In this age of instant we no longer fact check.  We no longer filter what we say or hear.  Because we are instant in our news, our food and our thirst for information we are short in our memories.  So their ordeal, while fresh for them is yesterday to us.  Take the lesson.  What happens in an instant can affect us for a lifetime.

The Case For Forgiveness

       In the next few sentences I will talk about forgiveness.  I want to be clear that I am not talking about apologies.  Apologies are simply a plea for forgiveness or an acknowledgement that an action or reaction was hurtful to someone.  I am talking about the forgiveness that allows peace to overtake your soul, and release the anger in it. 

     I often wonder whether it is harder to get forgiveness than it is to give it.  The reality is that forgiveness--as I see it--benefits the giver more than the givee.   It has been my experience that there are people that don't much care whether you forgive them or not.  Really, truthfully, being honest why would they care?  If they didn't care enough not to hurt you why would they care about your forgiveness or lack thereof?

    I would suggest, that most people don't intend to be hurtful--the ones who do are hurt themselves.  Imagine living in so much pain that the only way you can get relief is to inflict pain on others.  Very sad when you think about it.  I am a firm believer in fighting with positivity.  Trust me when I tell you, it's a lot of work.

     I have forgiven many things and still have some work to do.  I'm sure that I will require forgiveness in this life before it is all said and done.  The world is littered with the carnage of people who are unable to forgive.  Don't believe me?  Try dating.  Nowhere is pain more evident than when  people attempt to open themselves to new people and the possibilities they represent or admit that they are the same old thing. 

    It makes me sad to hear the stories of people who haven't spoken to their siblings in ten years or children who haven't spoken to their parents in years.  Pain, rejection, hurt and anger are too heavy to carry around with you everywhere you go.  They are burdens we need to be from so that we can have the strength to carry hope, possibility, forgiveness and joy.  There are many choices to be made in life--some go well and others don't.

    The most important thing about forgiveness is to give it--even when the person you need to give it to is the one you look at in the mirror.  Open your heart, open your mind and get it done.

Faith or Folly

     "Walk by faith and not by sight..." is one of the most profound verses in the Bible.  It is also one of the more difficult ones to live by.  It is what I have longed to do all my life.  I think that before I get rolling I should probably give a definitive definition--if anything can be definitive. I think the most profound definition of faith--as I apply it is probably is outlined in Hebrews 11: 1: 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..."

     How much faith does the average person have?  Is "average faith" enough to get you through life?  What happens when your AVERAGE FAITH is tested?  How do you know the difference between stepping out on faith and the folly of a fool?

    I have been asking myself all of these things over the last few months.  I have a profound belief in a higher power and my reasoning is simple:  all the good in life I have experienced could not have been generated completely by me.  The reverse is also true:  there have been too many instances of rough times that I have gotten through solely because of people put in my path.  I think that faith by its very nature is built to be tested.  The reality is that having it tested is the only way to know if you have it and how it will hold up. For my part, I have every reason to have faith but I waiver during the test part.  When I started this piece it was going to be about how people are able to make decisions that seem shocking to others but are OK with them and where the line between faith and foolishness my lay.  As I have experienced sending my child off to college, I have a defferent feeling about the whole thing--a personal awakening if you will.

    For my first question, I think that faith increases with each blessing or bit of grace that a person allows in their life.  In the end, we take a role in determining whether we receive the blessing or not.  I worry a lot.  My mother will say that it's because I don't pray enough.  At this point and upon further observation, she may in fact be right.  I need to pray more, harder and better and I am working on that.

    For how much faith you need to get through your life, I've come to believe that this may be taken care of for us.  Every person of faith and with faith will find when they have needed to step out on it, it was there.  Myself included.    My faith can be weak but I have concluded that no matter how weak your faith it is always strong enough to stand on.

    For the difference between faith and folly--it doesn't really seem to matter.  The only thing that will allow you a moment of folly is planting your feet in faith.  The reality is that no folly is such if it is done in act of faith.  So while it may look foolish to the outside world, all one has to do is believe.  I have opportunities to step out on faith.  Some realized and some squandered.  There have been times when faith stepped in on me. 

    At the end of the day, it matters very little how your faith is dissected.  It only matters if you are strong enough to stand on it because it is strong enough to hold you--no matter what you think.  Step lively and get it done.

Standing on the Promises

     I am very fortunate.  I have a life that is worse than some but I suspect better than most.  I can claim two high school graduates and their very bright younger brother.  Some parents, single or not, can't claim the same.  I was lamenting about the thought of books and tuition and one of the docs I worked with reminded me that I could be figuring out how to raise bail and pay restitution.  Sounded like he knew a little something about it but I didn't probe.

    As fortunate as I am, I cope with the same woes as other parents do.  A non-paying ex, more obligations than cash and the neverending stream of sentences that begin with;  "Mommy I need...", "Can I have...", "Will you buy me.." and my personal favorite "Did you get paid this week?"  I am pretty good at balancing but when I am short I am angry.  Why am I hustling and thinking about how to get paper and pay bills and he's off somewhere out of the fray? For his part, he has been blunt.  " 'You will figure it out, you always do.' "  " 'Get your family to help out, they usually do.' " Honest answer--because I allowed it. I suspect, continuing in honesty, that this is really the part that pisses me off. For far too long, I managed to get things done with help from family. I have also developed such a set of skills that have proved highly helpful in my day to day work life.    The reality is that by not holding feet to the fire, and managing without the consistent financial support of their other parent, I've taught him to believe that he is bonus money.  The reality is that he has never really been forced to be day to day in the struggle.  So, at the end of the day, I am really angry with myself right along with him.  I give him his props though--he learned way more about me than I thought he did.  Stay in the struggle, and get it done.

Are YOU The Partner You Want?

    I am always fascinated by what happens when women get together and the topic turns to men. A group of sisters who are educated, motivated, intellectual and intelligent that for the most part are single. This has been discussed often and rancorously. If you ask any woman about men she will have a history--via--personal experience about what is wrong with men. She will also likely pine for another opportunity with someone knowing what she knows now. The reality is, most of us can relate to this.

    There is a verse in the Bible that says: " To whom much is given, much is required. So shall it be." While this is not typically a verse used to characterize relationships, it somehow seems fitting. As sisters, many of us have a laundry list of qualities we want in a potential partner. I used to have one. Given my current situation and life, I don't believe in absolutes any longer. I think that "THE ONE" exists for everybody. No person is perfect, more importantly we are not perfect in ourselves. What right would I have to demand a perfect partner? Or a perfect relationship?

    This is the point where Christians would say that true love is designed by God and if you live a life of faith and obedience to God this magical love will be provided to you. That may be true, but since people are full of imperfections they would only mess it up. Yep, me included.

On any given day, how many of the qualities you demand in a partner do you demand in yourself? Are you consistent in the giving, demonstration and tolerance that signify love of the magnitude you want? How IN LOVE are you with yourself? Can you pass the "Naked In Front Of the Mirror" test? What about the "Hold A Mirror to Your Soul" test? We need to look inside and clear out clutter, ugliness and the pain of past relationships to be the lover that deserves the perfect love. The test is simple. After you strip all the layers away, would you want to spend the rest of your life with you? Think on it.

America's Birthday

     There are three hundred million people here in the United States of America.  Birthdays mean something different to each one of them.  I guess it's the same for America too.  I use my birthday as an opportunity to reflect on the past year, and more importantly look ahead to the next one. 

    On America's birthday I paused to take in fireworks--twice for good measure--and beyond that not much else I did was patriotic.  In defense of myself, I'm probably not alone.  I did pause to think about the soldiers I've never met that protect me as I wake and sleep, from threats seen and unseen, real, imagined and monetary.  They do this because they have been ordered to do so.  I respect this.  I don't necessarily agree with the motivation but it is what it is.

    America and I are like lifelong girlfriends.  We each have our shit with us, but at the end of the day we know that our relationship is solid.  We are good for each other.  When we are far apart on issues--I protest.  She understands that she is still my roadie, but sometimes you have to call your friends out on their mess.  The Arizona immigration thing.  The Fremont immigration thing. 

    I am free to move about the country without border checks and papers, I can vote and I can have the number of children that I choose to have.  Many can't say the same.  That being said, fifty years ago I would not have been able to vote or walk a public street in conversation with a Caucasian man.  I would have sat in the back of the bus.  Sometimes my homegirl has too high a tolerance for wrong mindedness--but that's who she is.  Sometimes she flat out looks the other way. The assassination of Salvatore Allende in Chile.  The handing of smallpox laden blankets to Native Americans.

    America--it's your birthday.  Do the damn thing.  Make sure you think about where you're going in the year ahead.  Three hundred million people are watching.  Put your best foot forward and do the damn thing.  Happy Birthday mama.  Get it done

" 'Mommy, Your Eyes are Wet..' "

    ...is what my 4 year old said to me at his "Moving Up Exercise" slash Graduation.  He asked me why I was sad.  I went on to explain to him that I wasn't sad at all.  As I stood there in the space-- that was too small, too hot and too crowded--something profound hit me.  It was one those  "AHA" moments.  Drumroll please.  I realized exactly how much richer and better I am for having the children that I have.  They are not perfect children, but they are perfectly full of individual personalities and they love me intensely.

     As they announced my youngest son's name, he shyly walked across the stage, until his female classmate yelled " 'Yaaaay' " and this somehow brought him an increased sense of confidence.  So after the yaaay he strutted.  Initially, I thought my eyes were wet from the fact that I was sweating and then I realized that I'd actually teared up.  I am so very fortunate.  I am two for three on high school grads.  As much as I forget, I live a blessed life.  All my children graduated from something this year.  I am graduating to one child in the home.


     All these things mean a lot to  me.  As a single mom, they are almost validation that staying the course--no matter how rough--is worth it.  My eldest children are adults and building their own lives.  My youngest is doing the same in many ways.  Over the next few weeks my life will be busy.  I will say an extra prayer as I send my only daughter 10 hours away to college.  I will say a prayer as my youngest will be home alone with no siblings.  I will say a prayer for peace in my heart as I will need to communicate with her dad more effectively to get through the next four years.


    So, as I thought about it in retrospect, I was sad--in a happy way.  If you have children you can understand the concept.  As my son persisted in his questions about my wet eyes, I realized in that moment that I have everything that I need to get through life.  Shout-out to the CLASS OF 2010, my graduates, and every other single parent who finds the day that much richer.  I gotta go, my eyes are wet.  

I Just Don't Get It...

...But maybe I don't need to.  So, you put your 16 year-old in a boat in January so she can circumnavigate the globe.  Shouldn't she be getting ready for prom and hanging out in the mall with girlfriends, shopping for overpriced jeans that clearly her family can afford?  Why?  I am always amazed at what people can get away with.  Where are the limits? I truly believe thaat the more money you have the more shit you are able to get away with.


     So two "parents" decided that it would be a good idea for their 16 year old to get on a boat alone and sail the globe strictly for the purpose of saying that she did it?  In a lesser income bracket, leaving your 16 year old unattended from January 30 to June 10 would likely lead to charges.  The fact that you left her in a dangerous situation--that would be the adrift-in-the-Indian-Ocean part--would lead to jail time.

     I believe in challenging children.  I believe in encouraging them to be cutting edge and daring.  The thing is, that as a parent, I also put the brakes on when necessary.  I can't really think of a time more necessary than when your kid asks to skip school for a year to  sail around the world--alone. 

     Wealth allows for frivolity.  Frivolity allows for foolishness.  Foolishness never turns out well.  I'm glad Abby is alive and well but what would the authorities have done if she wasn't?  Would their money have been sufficient to insulate them from the fate of other parents who have shown poor judgement?  Do they even believe that this was not the best conceived idea?

     If you have children, hug them.  If you have blessings, count them.  I'm sure Abby's parent are doing just that--well I hope so anyway.  Get out there and get it done.

Rand Paul and Why You Need To Know Him

     So Tea Party people are dancing in the streets with joy in their hearts. Rand Paul is someone that you should get to know.  He may in fact be the harbinger of right-wing things to come.  On the surface who wouldn't love a fresh-faced Midwestern pseudo-intellectual with a recognizable last name?  Now, had I been more tech savvy I would have inserted an audio clip here that says " 'Be afraid, be very afraid' ".

     While Mr. Paul labels himself a "Constitutional conservative", his ideals run more to the reactionary.  He believes that the nation missed the boat on the 1964 Civil Rights Act.  Additionally, and more importantly, he feels that government should not be able to regulate inclusion or discrimination.  If you are a business owner and you desire not to serve (insert minority group here) then as a business owner you should not have to.  Basically, Brown v. Board of Ed. Topeka was a wet dream.  Plessy v. Ferguson would likely be more his speed.


     So, you don't live in Kentucky, and why should you give a shit?  Mainly because he isn't a lone voice.  He is being held up as the face of a new movement in politics.  While many in his party may cringe publicly when he speaks, privately they are right there in the sentiment.  The cringe is not because he thought it but because he said it out loud.  Please note he is no Sarah Palin.  Kentucky ain't Alaska and he's picked up the NY Times for purposes other than wrapping dead fish.  So, take a read and a listen because Mr. Paul may be the wave of a future past.  Pump your fist, pick your hair and get it done.

Testing the Fences

    So a guy tries to blow up a car bomb in Times Square by parking it in the turning lane.  It doesn't blow up.  I commute to work the following day and my hour long trip turns into a two hour nightmare. Lots of police.  Lots of trucks.  Lots of short tempers.  The thing is, even though nothing exploded, the throngs of police and the large guns do not make me feel safe at all.  The reality is that I have never felt less "safe." The reality is that the terrorists are winning. 

     Shoes off at the airport.  Bag checks in the subway.  "See something, Say something."  If the goal of terrorism is to change a particular way of life, then they are succeeding.  If the goal is empathy for an ideology then they are doing worse than ever.  The reality is that most people don't even care about the ideology whose beliefs would allow someone to strap a bomb to themselves and detonate it in a crowded square.  Most people can't fathom believing in something so deeply.

    In the movie "Jurassic Park"  there was a group of dinosaurs that learned that the fences were shut off in certain places at certain times.  They tested them by having one dinosaur jump at them.  Well, voila, one day it worked and they got out.  I think its an effective metaphor for this last "attack".  The reality is that at some point--someone truly invested in causing mayhem and destruction will do so.  We will have a personal, local and national response.  Be vigilant and be safe.  The only thing that will truly stop a terrorist is the understanding that they are railing against something and having an honest dialogue about what "it" is.

   Be safe and get it done.

Milestones, Moments and Mementos

    Originally penned but not posted on 4/17/10. So as I watched my son graduate yesterday, I was both in the moment and in another world.  I was struck by several thoughts.  My first thought was " 'WHERE DID I LEAVE THE DAMN CAMERA?' " then I realized I had one on my phone.  My second and more important thought was that my child has completed the portion of his journey that I am responsible for.  Wow!!!  

 

   As he embarks on a life of firsts, I worry.  Being on your own now is very different than it was for us fortysomethings.  Truth of the matter is, times are hard.  We went out to eat after the graduation ceremony and I was simply stunned at what a good job I did as a single mom.  I paused to wonder what would have been if he had two parents working together--but trust it was a brief and fleeting pause.

    I count myself fortunate that I can count the milestones, moments and mementos.  There are many who are not alive to do so.  I sometimes have to remind myself to not be so lost in the day to day that I forget the "remember when" or vice versa.  I finding my space in a lot ways around a lot of things.  Congrats to everyone who graduated from anything--especialy those who eft the old for the new.  Get it in--and get it done.

On the Journey...

     My mentor always tells me to "find value in the journey" and that the "journey should be respected."  I believe that both those things are true but boy oh boy when you have to live in it it's very different.  For my part, I am always concerned about the "why".  There is something in me that has trouble understanding how and why people invest so much energy in mean-spiritedness.  The flip side of that, is that if you asked someone why they do it, they likely couldn't tell you. 

    Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.  I always remind myself that people are who and what they are--nothing more nothing less.  The same can also be said of me.  SO, it's pretty clear that my career has now become a job.  I have been assigned to a program whose fundamental philosophy I don't really believe in.  I am on a path that will crush me or I will break free on the other side with a story to tell.  Stay tuned.  Being honest, right now, the journey is winning.

     I want to grow. I can and have grown.  For right now though, I'm struggling.  Some of my struggle is self-inflicted.  I feel I can be and do so much more.  Some of it has to do with how I feel I'm valued.  Now that piece is definitely self-inflicted because at the end of the day, it should only matter that my kids want me, and that Still is cool with Still.  I am considering several things.  I will also say that the madness has also forced me to take a hard look at me.  Am I afraid to step out on my own?  What keeps me in the place I'm in?  Why won't my Spirit meet my resolve halfway?  Is this a sign that this is the moment to step out on faith and consider entrepenuership?  Whatever the case, I'm coming out of this shit with a story to tell.  Put the kids to bed and pull up a chair.  Pray for me, I'm praying for you.  Respect the journey and get it done.

O.K., I'm Back..

    So, it's been a minute, but your girl is back.  It's been a time of uncertainty, discovery and movement.  I have also learned that there are some little things that I love.  While they may seem wrought with frivolity, just rock with me because they bring me joy.  The one thing that I have learned is that when you force movement, and you get it, you need to buckle the fuck up.  For real.  This applies to a lot of things on many levels.  The one thing that I am thankful for is that I now know where I stand--even though it may be in quicksand.

     Forgive me, I digress.  So, some of the simple things that I have come to appreciate over the past few weeks.  I am currently enamored with the expression " 'not a lot--a lot' ".  I can't think of anything that summarizes feelings about issues, situations or experiences more effectively.  The second thing I have come to like is Facebook statuses.  Some of them are enlightening, some funny and some of the comments on statuses that I post are downright hilarious.  I have also come to appreciate the importance of sitting still.  This really works.  I also have remembered why I started blogging in the first place--to find my voice and hear it when need be. 

   So, I'm back, I missed you and I am going to get it done.

When The Go-To Chick Becomes the Chick That's Got To Go...

...the journey can be tough.  So, that would be a fairly accurate of the space I'm in now.  I will only say that it's life between a rock and a very hard place.  As my assignment draws to a close, I had one of the most anti-climactic experiences ever.  I am being reassigned to...drumroll...right where I am at.   Initially, I counted the Gods as cruel or at least humorous.  For my Department's part--let's just that they are less than pleased.

     I love my work.  At one point, I loved my Department and my colleagues.  Now, after advocating for myself, the powers-that-want-to-be are angry.  Clash-of-the-Titans-Zeus-fighting-Hera-while-riding-the-three-headed-dog pissed the hell off.  As is human nature, no one is going to be that pissed and keep it to themselves.  So I'm the object of non-affection.  I had a jawdropping experience with this today.  I get asked a question, I give an answer and boss guy picks up the phone to call for, well I don't know what for, but he called.

    So let the abuse, the abuse of power and the madness begin.  This is going to be one of those tough storms that professionals go or suffer through.  The reality is that I am going to chose the go through as opposed to the suffer through.  So now I'm the object of unaffection.  I am blessed and will stay that way.  I will put my umbrella up and my boots on and keep it moving.  Pray for me.

Dreamers of the Day...

 “All men dream; but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”

     So says T.E. Lawrence of Lawrence of Arabia fame.  I love this quote as I love many others. This one is special to me--mainly because it acknowledges that dreamers are people of import and it's okay to have one.  It also serves as a reminder for me that I should always keep my dreams in the forefront of my mind. For me, most of my dreams involve things that I would want to do or places that I wish to see.  I guess in short, it is sort of like a  Bucket List and "IF you could have dinner with any 5..." combined.   So in light of all this dreaming and wonderment of how my life would be different if I chose "a" not "b" or went left not right, the quote is appropriate. 

     So, it occurs to me that beyond world peace and the possibilities I dream for my children, I am not a global dreamer.  I mean I recycle and try to bring my own bags to the supermarket but I don't sit and ponder the next big world idea, cold fusion or how I can change the global village in some way.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  Does this make me faint of heart or small of mind?  I have always been comfortable with changing myself or helping  someone else in some small way so as to make my contribution to the Global Village.  I am not sure that this is enough anymore.  If it's not then what?   If it is why am I now thinking that it's not enough?  

     I am at a crossroads.  Yet another child will be leaving home for college.  While this is wild and exciting, it's a little sad and I am not sure what my youngest will make of it all.  But I digress.  Maybe it's just as good to support a dream as it is to dream one.  As my children age, I think more and more about the crazy dreamer things they did, like when my eldest took apart my mom's toaster to see how it worked.  Like how my daughter went to see The Wiz and said she wanted to have a good crew too.  Priceless.

    So, there are new days coming and new things to dream about and hope for.  I think I want to do little things in a big way and I can be ok with that.  All in all, maybe I am a little dangerous.  Dream and get it done.

    

"I'm Glad To Have A Job, But Damn..."--Part Deux

     So, did I have a day.  In a previous post about my work environment, I mused on some of the issues in my workplace.  Well, some of the issues of the people in my workplace.  So, in the confusion and drama, people have departed and moved on, forged ahead and been forced out.  I  have decided to get a Masters' or at least study, organizational behavior and management.  The culture of an organization can--in  many ways--determine its success or failure. I digress.

     In my previous post, I talked about the changing of the guard and that has come to pass.  As for me, this has become a storm to weather.  On Thursday, as I wound up my day, I was called to a meeting where I was told to be more "present" and "upbeat".  Seems that " 'we understand that this is difficult with your program closing' " but pull it together.  My mentor has always reminded me that how we face difficulty is our true measure.  I will be honest to say that I am falling short.  I have no interest in staying in my department un- less it's the only way I can keep a job. I have personal feelings that run deep.  As a growing professional I realize that their will be lots of things that I have to shake off, but this one I'm struggling with.  

    After eight years, I am now not quite good enough  for the new guard and I need to "demonstrate my value."  This is something I thought I did everyday.  Guess not.  This is one of those moments of clarity and I am not clear on how I am going to come through.  Digging deep and being honest, this is like an emotionally abusive relationship and we probably need to part company.  The flip side is that I am afraid that I won't be good enough at anything other than what I am doing.  So, I am trying to find my faith and my balls.  I need to leave the comfort zone, mainly because it's not comfortable.  Fear not, your gryl will be a lady  and get this done.  Stay tuned.  Be blessed and get it done.

First Ladies

     For the second time in four months my family gathered to lay someone to rest.  We count ourselves among the fortunate, because we were blessed to have them for the time that we did.  As I sat with my extended family in church in Harlem waiting for the funeral to start, I was struck by several things.  The first and most profound thing is that there are a lot of us.  My thoughts turned for a second and I thought about how we used to run around the huge yard at Cousin Hazel's house under the summer sky and how although there was no gate around it, nobody left the yard.  Good times with good people.  I was also struck by the fact that my "little cousins" are moms and dads and adults in their own right.  I remember hosting parties for my kids and them showing up with brightly colored gifts and big smiles.  At that moment, I smiled and my cousin asked what I was thinking about.  I remembered why we were gathered, and looked around and realized that other people were smiling too.

    Aunt Rose, although technically she really isn't my aunt passed away two months shy of her 111th birthday.  I remember her as a strong quiet woman who always had a hug and enjoyed a smile.  She is the Aunt of my grandmother. My great grandmother was her sister.  She was the youngest of six.  She was also a woman of beauty and was responsible for a long line of ladies.  Not just women, ladies.  She left a mark on everything she touched and believed deeply in family.  She lived a life where she laid her only daughter to rest, witnessed countless firsts and saw the development of tootpaste.

     I mourn the loss while I celebrate the blessing.  Not many people can say they are a five generation family.  Not many people can lay claim to a generation of women who taught us the importance of place settings and tablecloths, tea and cake, cooking and being loved.  They did these things well and nurtured us to do the same.  Clean white shirts.  Polished black shoes.  A warm spirit.  A loving heart.  A kind Soul.  That was ladyhood. 

    My cousins and I have vowed to try to do the same for the young girls in  our family now.  It's difficult to develop Ladies in a day and age of everything pointing to not being a lady.  We miss our Aunt Flo and our Aunt Rose and know that our lives we better for their touch.  Rest well ladies.

Single and a Sista

     So there is much ado about the fact that 42% of Black women are single.  While initially that may be alarming for some, I'm from the "...and what?..." school of thought regarding it.  Let me just come out and say it.  Some of us need to stay single.  Some of us are never married and totally cool with that. Continuing in the same vane, still others of us wouldn't be able to pass the tests that we set out for potential partners.  I guess I will insert my disclaimers here in the interest of full disclosure.  I have been married and divorced and I am currently single.

     I'm going to make several observations about my sisters and maybe even come to some realizations about  myself.  I think that while women are more than ready to take inventory of their potential mates, we are far less willing to do the same of ourselves.  The fact of the matter is that we are always able to our left and right but not always able to look in the mirror. 

    One of the shows that I watch is Bridezillas.  Judge me if you must but it's good watching.  It's like a car accident, you want to look away but you're riveted.  I ask myself, why would anyone want to even marry these heffas, but people do.  Clearly, they know something that I don't because I'm single.  Most women--when asked--will say they value honesty, faithfulness and trust in a relationship.  These are the same women who fake orgasms, sneak out to girls' night and hide credit card bills.  No judgment, just a statement. 

    Women also need to recognize the difference between being a couple, being in a relationship and being committed.  We may use them interchangeably but they are quite different and the differences are very important.  Being a couple means that you have developed a mutual feeling and have agreed to spend time together.  This is the stage where many women assume that there is exclusivity and are angered when they find that there isn't.  Being in a relationship means that you have a connection on one, several or many levels with a particular individual.  This is the person who would be your one phone call if you ever ended up in stripes at County.  Being committed is the the peak of partnering.  This is the stage where you and your partner have discussed the major issues of couplehood and agree to be like minded on issues, compromise on others and agree to disagree on some things.  Commitment is exclusive.  People tend to be clear on where they stand with each other and are clear on the fact that they don't necessarily want to stand without each other.  For me, I hope for a committed relationship at some point.

    The fact of the matter is that we ask questions when we buy cars, homes, appliances and clothing.  We don't ask nearly as many questions as we should of our potential partners.  This is not to suggest that simply asking would yield the truth.  Relationships are serious, and it behooves to be our best if we are going to demand someone else's.  Think on it and get it done.

   

    

"Damn, We Ten Years In Already...?" or Reflections On The Passage Of Time

     So, the new year is a day old, the millenium is entering its second decade and in a few hours I will mark my 20th anniversary as a mom.  It is no accident that time, cumulatively speaking seems to pass more quickly as you age.  Yes, it does seem that the year just began and it will be Martin Luther King Day in two weeks.  So, there are actually pople who study this.  My interest and the subject of the post is more about the feeling than the "science" behind it. You guys know that I am a thinking chick so if you check here you can get some more info.

     I am also subject to this phenomenon.  My "baby" is a preschooler and actually is vocal enough to list why he isn't a baby.  My "little girl" will be heading to college later in the year.  My eldest, who was born today, January 2, is 20.  He is older than Google.  And Facebook. And cell phones.  The very same things that will be staples of my youngest child's existence.  As they years fly by, the good days fly and the bad days drag.  It is what it is and that's just it.

     The new millenium has brought a lot of things on a personal and a global scale. I don't suggest that the ones I list here or the feelings that they bring are the only important ones.  They are simply the ones that come to mind readily or move me so profoundly that I can't ignore then.  In my effort to be orderly, they are in chronological order.

     9/11/2001--Never did I want my kids to have an event that marked their existence the same way JFK's assassination marked my parents'.  That day was a defining moment for a million reasons but primarily because it was the first time that I felt ineffective and useless as a mom.  I was at work in Harlem and my kids were at different schools in Queens.  I remember the teacher asking me to explain to my daughter, where I was in location to where the Towers.  I stood on the steps of my building and explained that Harlem was "far up" and the World Trade was "way down" while fighter jets buzzed Harlem.  I remember her asking how long was it going to take for me to get home and I wasn't coming anytime soon.  I also remember the overwhelming sense of relief when I finally did get home and how I didn't leave it for three days.  My son said that he was "fine".  After I realized that they were cringing in terror at the evening news intro, I just stopped watching.

    2003.  The year I picked up my kids and moved from the city to the country for better schools and more structure.  This little adventure needs it own post. I will tell you that when I decided to buy a house I had $112 in the bank and a committed spirit.  I will tell you that when I finished closing I had $86 in the bank. What passed in between was very interesting and deserves its own post.

    2005.  The year I gave birth to my youngest son.  A drama filled, medically challenging pregnancy, seventeen hours of labor--notable to point out that is more hours than the other two labors combined.  An absolute blessing that allowed me to have a bond with my cousin that I would not have had otherwise.  Life gained an amazing clarity and a refocused sense of purpose.

       Now, I don't want to suggest that nothing happened from '05 to '09 but I am going to skip ahead to the most eventful year of the decade.

    2009.  A year of losses and growth and possibly the only time I ever felt that I wasn't coming out on the other side.  My home, my Aunt Flo and some of my hope.  I mourned them all but I grew and came through and I am back.  The year is new and will bring some uncertainty.  My program is closing and there will be the madness that set of circumstances brings.  I am reconnecting with my faith so I know I will come through however he plans for me to.  Failure is not an option.  I am taking this walk and I'm gonna do the damn thing.  Take your walk and get it done.